If I am going to be honest, which is the point of this blog is to tell you my story and what my dad and family, and how much I miss him, today hurts. It doesn't hurt physically, but mentally and spiritually it hurts. It hurts when I go to church and see families sitting together with their father right there. It hurts when I see fathers I know and say "Happy Father's Day" to them, but I can't even call my own dad and tell him. Today in particular is not the only day it hurts, because it hurts and is hard to deal with everyday, but today just stings a little bit more. Now I don't write all this because I or my family want your pity or to feel sorry for us, but to let you know how it really feels. It would be very selfish for me to say that I am the only that is hurting especially with the recent passing of my stepdad. Because it is now having to see my mom go through this process for a second time and be without the love of her life. Having to see my two stepbrothers and their loved ones go through this process. Also, with my grandfather who passed away back in 2010, having to see my grandmother who spent 50+ years with the man she loved, still miss him and talk about him all the time. I realize I am not the only that hurts being without 3 of the most influential men in my life.
People I meet or friends of mine will ask me what it is like to not have my dad, but especially on Father's Day it is tough to be asked that question. Usually I will share people's name in my blog, but this next statement, I will keep my friend anonymous. Today, I was at church and spoke with a friend of mine for a few minutes. Since he has kids, I told him Happy Father's Day, and we talked about today and what each other's plans were. He then asked me how I was doing and if today was tough for me. How do you answer that question? I don't say this in that I am angry or upset at my friend for asking me. He is a great friend and understands from talking with him that it has been a hard road for me and my family. But even so, it is a tough question to answer. I told him that I was doing okay and that it was tough. That's a pretty honest answer. Our teaching pastor at the church I go to talks about many times with people who are going through some tough things, to be honest with other people about how things are going. Now what he is not saying and I have learned that I can't just share everything with just any old person, that's not really fair to them or you who are going through something, because it is also not really healthy.
I do think that we need to be honest and real with the people that are closest to us about how things are going. But even with those that are closest to us, as I mentioned earlier with the mental and spiritual struggle of it, they don't see that. Mentally, I am always thinking about my dad and not that I am going to try and break it, because it shows how important he is to me. The simple fact of wanting to share exciting news with him. Many times, I will say I need to call him and then remind myself that I can't do that. And to those that feel the same way or feel like they are the only one, it's okay, you should want to tell someone who was such an important part of your life about exciting or not so exciting things going on in your life. And spiritually, it's hard for me. Just this morning, I went for a run and was praying and let God know that it still hurts that my dad is not around and that it was hard to see him have to go through so much pain. Even though I struggle with it, I also think that we need to get over this whole of God not being able to handle our emotions. Just like my pastor said last week during the sermon. "If he not only created the earth and our galaxy, but galaxies that we can't even see, and yet still is able to have a close relationship with you, and be with you when things are going good or bad, then he is able to handle minor things." That is probably not the exact quote, but something like that. He also doesn't think what you are going through is minor, or just blow it off because he doesn't think it is a big deal. He truly does care, and is even willing to have you be angry or upset with him if that's the case, because he wants you to bring your pain to him, because he is big enough to take it on.
My hope for this particular post is that if your dad is still living, wish him a Happy Father's Day. Many times when I write my posts, I am constantly thinking that someone may have gone through way worse than I have, and you may have if you are reading this. You may say, who is this guy and what does he know, if he only knew who my dad was or that my dad is lousy and didn't do anything. That also may be the case, but I do know what is like to not have a dad. I don't say with any sort of arrogance I hope or trying to shove this in anyone's face, but saying that I wish I was able to speak with my dad one more. As I have probably said in previous posts, even if I had just 5 minutes just to say hi, I would love to have that. But I don't, and realize how precious the time that I did have with him. All the family dinners we had or the times especially in the last few years of his life, where I was able to walk and talk with him. No one can ever take that away from me. So I don't write knowing what you have been through, but hoping that you might take my advice. Don't let one thing or a few things allow you to not have a relationship with your father. It's not worth it. It's worth taking that step and maybe saying hey what I went through hurt or am currently going through hurts, but I can learn to forgive and rebuild.
To my dad, Happy Father's Day!
Thanks for Reading and God Bless,
Patrick Mastrianni
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