Today is One Year

Good evening everybody,

today is here, which sounds weird, especially since this is being written at the end of the day.  When I started this blog, it was the six month anniversary of when my dad died, and I thought it was an appropriate time to start it, especially since I had been thinking and praying about it for a while.  Today is the big day, today is ONE YEAR since my dad died, which is crazy to think about.

I didn't know what today would be like, and I think it's good to not have any expectations when it comes to a day like this, especially since it was my dad.  I think it's hard everyday when you lose a close, loved one to continue trying to live.  I don't know that we ever truly get over losing them.

Today was tough though.  It's tough, because everyday I realize I will never be able to talk to him here on this Earth again.  I won't be able to ask for his advice on different things.  He won't be able to see me get married or have kids (which were the two biggest events that he wanted to be a part of).  And it's great to be able to talk to family and friends about him and remind each other of the good times you had with him, but it still does not replace actually being with him.    

I have learned a lot though in this past year.  God has been gracious towards me and my family.  He has taught me a lot personally which I will share now.

He has taught me a lot about my dad, which is who this blog is about as you know.  For a person to be able to go through all that my dad did is amazing.  God has been reminding a lot about how much my dad loved his family.  My dad could have easily not decided to have treatments, but three different times, decided to go through a lot of pain to continue living and to be around his family, which my dad truly loved and adored us. Especially in his last four years after he received the bone marrow transplant, how much pain he went through still amazes me.  Probably the most vivid memory of this, was in his last few months, he came to my sister and I's college graduation, and there was no one more proud than him.

God has brought a lot of healing among our family.  This past year has allowed us to become closer and to really cherish and love each other more, which I think going through what we have went through, will do.  It teaches you what is really important and how important it is to be close with your family.  Especially my mom, to have seen her husband go through all that he did, and to be so gracious about it all, has been amazing and is a testament to her faith in God and has had a big impact on my sister and I.

I hope that if you are reading this, that somehow my story can help.  That you realize that you are not alone in your journey, even though at times it may feel like it.  I also want you to know that I am not perfect, but thankfully God still works with me.  Know that it's okay that you don't go through these times perfectly, because you are not supposed to.  Ask God to walk through it with you.  Thank you to you all for following this blog and walking with me on my journey.

Thanks for reading and God Bless,

Patrick Mastrianni

High School Years

High school was a rough 4 years for me, although that's not the main point of this particular post, telling you that, but it's true.  As I said in my previous post, my dad got cancer again when I was a sophomore in high school.  I think the biggest issue, was that I never liked to take the time to actually study, especially when it came to Math.  I had a really hard time in Math, all throughout high school, and my dad would always tell me "You have to learn the rules son."  I can't even begin to tell you how many times I heard that.  Anyway, once the cancer came back, my dad took it hard and it affected me too, because he was my dad, and you don't want to see your dad be sick, especially when he is supposed to take care of you, not the other way around. Again, your dad is supposed to be Superman.  Another thing he would always tell me, and for those that knew my dad, you know he was a very passionate man.  He would always say, "Patrick, you have so much potential, and I want you to be a better man than me," which looking back now, I hope I can be half the man he was with what he went through.  He would always tell me that, because he didn't want me, with him having cancer and being sick cause me to not do my best and go after my dreams, which now looking back, I understand.  Let me be honest though, that is very hard to do, because you want to help those you love and be there for them, but you also have to live at the same time.  I think with that comes learning to trust God even with everything that is going on. I don't say this knowing how to, but learning and trying to do it. For me it has not come very easy, but it certainly helps.  Trust me, I am not the expert on how to balance those two things, I am just telling you my experience, which I hope you can learn from.  Also, it was not hard for me to make friends in high school, but it is hard when someone in your family is sick and there are not a lot of people around that can relate.  In many ways you feel like you are alone, and for those that are reading this, again know that you are not, and that you do have a support system if you are willing to have people be there for you.

Thanks for reading and God Bless,

Patrick Mastrianni