Blindsided

Hey everybody, I apologize for being out of touch these recent weeks.  When I last wrote, it was the week/2 year anniversary of my dad's death.  Thank you again to those that either read my blog that week or just have been supportive towards my family.

For those don't know, I posted on Facebook when it happened on April 14th, only a few weeks ago, my stepdad Tommy Hester passed away suddenly.  To give a little background, my mother and Tommy married two years ago, and I believe that God brought two families who had been through a lot together.  Tommy was a great man, and loved my mom.  They really enjoyed each other's company and brought each happiness and joy, and for a period of time experienced some much needed peace.  Right before my mom, sister and I went on our trip to Pebble Beach, we found out Tommy would need open heart surgery due to some heart complications he was having.  After coming back from our trip, at the end of February he had the surgery and thankfully everything went successfully.  A few weeks into his recovery, doctors found blood clots in his legs which was pretty alarming and needed to be taken care of.  For a couple weeks they tried different things to help with and then right before Easter they met with the doctor again and he wanted to order some more tests since he wasn't getting better.  Two days after Easter, they did a CT Scan.  The following day, on Wednesday, April 8, my aunt sent me a text message to call her and then I called her and I will never forget that day for the rest of my life.  It was as if somebody had just let off a bomb and all I could was stand there and not do anything.  From the CT Scan, the doctors found Pancreatic Cancer, Stage 4 that had metastasized to his liver!  Also that Wednesday morning, he had a stroke at the house with my mom there and they rushed him to the hospital and to get over there when I could.

What?  Is what I just heard real?  These thoughts and many others raced through my head.  Since I was at work, all I could do for a few minutes was just stand there and gather my thoughts about what I had heard before going to the hospital.  As I drove to the hospital, I sat there pretty quiet thinking, God this can't be real, what is going on?  I got to the hospital and went to the room where he was and my mom, two stepbrothers and their wife and fiance and family friend were all standing there.  I went to a room to wait for a while until everyone came back from where my stepdad was, and talking with people and hearing it again was just as shocking and unbelievable as the first time.  I went back to work for a little while and then went back to the hospital after getting off.   I was finally able to talk with my mom and other family members, and I was trying to wrap my head around what I was hearing.  Before leaving the hospital that night, I went to see my stepdad with my mom.  Similar to my dad, here was a man only a few months ago, was healthy and lively, and now very sick.  My mom and I went to have dinner at Chick-fil-A, which I think in many ways just heals your soul.  While we are sitting there my sister called who lives in New York City, and had just found out about my stepdad and was very upset, and it's in those moments you don't really know what to say or do.  You want to be Superman, especially for my mom who has been through more than I can even imagine.  For my sister and stepbrothers and their significant others, I just wanted to take all their hurt and pain, and just take it all.  I want to be Superman, but I feel helpless and lifeless in many ways wondering what's happening right now.  

Over the next few days, in talking with my mom and the doctors, they talked about letting him go home, but there wasn't much they could do about the cancer.  It would be pretty much a waiting game.  It's weird because even though we went through so many different things with my dad, and you feel like you are prepared for something like this, you still feel like things are falling apart.  It's weird to talk about with your family members about even if you are able to bring him home, he will have to require so much care for remaining time he will live, and you don't even know how long that is?  You just have so many questions and don't even know where to start or even what to ask, and in the meantime life is still going on.  Many family and friends came to visit that weekend, and Tommy seemed to be in great spirits and enjoying seeing everyone.  That Monday after, I went to the hospital after work to visit and have dinner with my mom.  Everything seemed to be okay, and then on Tuesday, the 14th, I called my grandmother while I was driving at work, and she said simply that Tommy was not doing well, and that he probably wouldn't make it to the end of the day.  It's so hard, because you don't even know what to say or do.  The afternoon went on and about 3:45 my mom called me crying saying that Tommy had passed around 3 p.m. You don't forget those moments, especially with someone like your mother, who has been with you through so much and now you have to be there for her, but you don't even know what to say or do, except be there for her, which is really the only thing you can, as I have been learning recently.

For right now, I am going to stop here.  I will be continuing to share over my next few posts about everything that has happened since my stepdad passed away.  I will also have a guest post, that was written in the first few days after he died.  Thanks to those that have written cards, or made food or just have been there to listen to either myself or my family.  You may know, but you really are being an example of Christ when we need it most.  The picture below is the at the wedding of my stepbrother Clay Hester and his wife Helen Hester.  The fact that Tommy was able to come even though he wasn't feeling that well and especially only a few weeks later, he would not be with us, is amazing and truly a gift from God. 

Thanks for Reading and God Bless,

Patrick Mastrianni

 

Father's Day 2015

Happy Father's Day to those that are father's.  It's crazy to think that even though the two year anniversary just passed a few weeks ago when my dad died, it is now the third Father's Day without him.  He passed away right before Father's Day 2013.

If I am going to be honest, which is the point of this blog is to tell you my story and what my dad and family, and how much I miss him, today hurts.  It doesn't hurt physically, but mentally and spiritually it hurts.  It hurts when I go to church and see families sitting together with their father right there.  It hurts when I see fathers I know and say "Happy Father's Day" to them, but I can't even call my own dad and tell him.  Today in particular is not the only day it hurts, because it hurts and is hard to deal with everyday, but today just stings a little bit more.  Now I don't write all this because I or my family want your pity or to feel sorry for us, but to let you know how it really feels.  It would be very selfish for me to say that I am the only that is hurting especially with the recent passing of my stepdad.  Because it is now having to see my mom go through this process for a second time and be without the love of her life.  Having to see my two stepbrothers and their loved ones go through this process.  Also, with my grandfather who passed away back in 2010, having to see my grandmother who spent 50+ years with the man she loved, still miss him and talk about him all the time.  I realize I am not the only that hurts being without 3 of the most influential men in my life.

People I meet or friends of mine will ask me what it is like to not have my dad, but especially on Father's Day it is tough to be asked that question.  Usually I will share people's name in my blog, but this next statement, I will keep my friend anonymous.  Today, I was at church and spoke with a friend of mine for a few minutes.  Since he has kids, I told him Happy Father's Day, and we talked about today and what each other's plans were.  He then asked me how I was doing and if today was tough for me.  How do you answer that question?  I don't say this in that I am angry or upset at my friend for asking me.  He is a great friend and understands from talking with him that it has been a hard road for me and my family.  But even so, it is a tough question to answer.  I told him that I was doing okay and that it was tough.  That's a pretty honest answer.  Our teaching pastor at the church I go to talks about many times with people who are going through some tough things, to be honest with other people about how things are going.  Now what he is not saying and I have learned that I can't just share everything with just any old person, that's not really fair to them or you who are going through something, because it is also not really healthy.

I do think that we need to be honest and real with the people that are closest to us about how things are going.  But even with those that are closest to us, as I mentioned earlier with the mental and spiritual struggle of it, they don't see that.  Mentally, I am always thinking about my dad and not that I am going to try and break it, because it shows how important he is to me.  The simple fact of wanting to share exciting news with him.  Many times, I will say I need to call him and then remind myself that I can't do that.  And to those that feel the same way or feel like they are the only one, it's okay, you should want to tell someone who was such an important part of your life about exciting or not so exciting things going on in your life.  And spiritually, it's hard for me.  Just this morning, I went for a run and was praying and let God know that it still hurts that my dad is not around and that it was hard to see him have to go through so much pain.  Even though I struggle with it, I also think that we need to get over this whole of God not being able to handle our emotions.  Just like my pastor said last week during the sermon.  "If he not only created the earth and our galaxy, but galaxies that we can't even see, and yet still is able to have a close relationship with you, and be with you when things are going good or bad, then he is able to handle minor things."  That is probably not the exact quote, but something like that.  He also doesn't think what you are going through is minor, or just blow it off because he doesn't think it is a big deal.  He truly does care, and is even willing to have you be angry or upset with him if that's the case, because he wants you to bring your pain to him, because he is big enough to take it on.

My hope for this particular post is that if your dad is still living, wish him a Happy Father's Day.  Many times when I write my posts, I am constantly thinking that someone may have gone through way worse than I have, and you may have if you are reading this.  You may say, who is this guy and what does he know, if he only knew who my dad was or that my dad is lousy and didn't do anything.  That also may be the case, but I do know what is like to not have a dad.  I don't say with any sort of arrogance I hope or trying to shove this in anyone's face, but saying that I wish I was able to speak with my dad one more.  As I have probably said in previous posts, even if I had just 5 minutes just to say hi, I would love to have that.  But I don't, and realize how precious the time that I did have with him.  All the family dinners we had or the times especially in the last few years of his life, where I was able to walk and talk with him.  No one can ever take that away from me.  So I don't write knowing what you have been through, but hoping that you might take my advice.  Don't let one thing or a few things allow you to not have a relationship with your father.  It's not worth it.  It's worth taking that step and maybe saying hey what I went through hurt or am currently going through hurts, but I can learn to forgive and rebuild.

To my dad, Happy Father's Day!

Thanks for Reading and God Bless,

Patrick Mastrianni