An Inspiring Story

I recently read a story on Jon Acuff's blog.  I went to his START Conference in September 2013.  Since then I keep up with his blog and enjoy what he writes.  This particular post was on his SCL aka "Stuff Christians Like" blog.  It was a women who has been through some tough life experiences.  She wrote to Jon telling her story and how his blog helped here with what she was going through.

At the end of what she wrote to Jon, she thanked him for his blog.  She thanked him for reminding her that as a Christian, it's okay to laugh.  That it's okay to be out there and be yourself.  Her story is tough to read, because it shows just how messy the world can be.  It shows how broken we are.  But it also shows just how amazing and big God is and what he can bring us from and through.  That he walks with us with, even though you may not know it or feel his presence. 

Beth's story reminds me of mine.  There are many times when it is hard to be joyful or happy, because of what happened to my dad.  I think "what was the point of all the pain and suffering that he went through, and that we went through as a family?"  In those times, I remind myself that would want me to be happy and joyful.  That I still have my family here on Earth and how important it is to cherish them.  That in my pain and hurt, God can help me to reach other people who may be hurting.

Beth's story reminds me of how important human interaction is, and how need other people to talk to about what is going on in our lives.  For me that's hard, because it painful and not very fun to talk about.  I feel like I am the only one and have to go through it alone.

That's especially true in being part of a church.  I don't want to tell people that my dad passed away.  I don't want to tell them my dad was sick for a long time.  I don't want to tell them what my family went through.  I don't want people to look at me in a different way or feel sorry for me.  In these times, God reminds me of the people that he has put in my life.  That even with it being hard to talk about, I need to keep talking to them.  I don't need to be afraid of feeling that hurt or pain.    

I also think about how important it is for people to listen, that are in the lives of those hurting.  And now that my dad is gone, this is most important for me to remember.  I read a blog post from Teryn O'brien, another blog that I follow about this very topic.  She says "Fear never helped a person in grief. Don’t shut out someone who is hurting."  Sometimes I get in the thought that someone I know is okay after time has passed after going through a really tough situation.  That may not be the case.  I know that I need to talk to people, and in return be there for other friends/people.

Many times what it comes down to for me, is that I don't want to be inconvenienced.  And that is a very selfish thought.  One that I have to constantly get rid of.  In that thought, God reminds me of the people that have been there to listen to me and give advice, which is great, but I also need to learn to listen better.  That is a very big lesson that God is teaching me, how important it is to listen to other people.

I am thankful to have read Beth's story.  Thankful that she was willing to have her story shared with many other people.  Thankful that she was open and honest, because it reminds me that it's okay to do that.  Thankful to be reminded that even with how dirty, painful and just how downright hard life can, that Jon Acuff reminds me that there needs to be humor in my life.  

Jon Acuff's article: bit.ly/1tiEtCr .

Teryn O'Brien's article:  http://www.churchleaders.com/outreach-missions/outreach-missions-articles/171113-teryn-obrien-ways-to-minister-to-someone-who-is-grieving.html/2

Thanks for Reading and God Bless,

Patrick Mastrianni

Lauren Hill

Thank you again to everyone who has read and followed my blog this past year.  It was great to celebrate and think back over this past year in starting and writing my blog.  As hard as it is to write and talk about, I know that it is an amazing opportunity and really an honor to tell other people about my dad and what he went through.

A few months ago, I wrote a post about Jim Kelly and his battle with cancer.  It was amazing to see this big figure in sports, having to go through this tough battle with cancer.  While he has been going through it, he and his family have stayed strong in their faith in God.

Recently, I watched on T.V. about a college basketball player, Lauren Hill, who may not even make it to the new year, due to brain cancer.  Her story is amazing and the person that she is while going through all this is even more amazing.

She plays at Mount St. Joseph, a small DIII school in Cincinnati, OH.  The NCAA approved moving the date of the game up from it's original date, with the hope that she would be able to play.  They played Hiram College in Hiram, OH.  The night before the game, Hiram's team took Brittany's team out to dinner.  The next day during the game, Brittany scored the first and last goal of the game.  Mount St. Joseph, but nobody really cared this day.  Even the Hiram players after the game, were crying and hugging Brittany and her teammates, and everyone was touched by what was going on.  They were all inspired by and celebrating Lauren.

During the time that my dad was sick, due to the medication that he took, his face would swell.  As he would say, he looked like a "chipmunk."  In watching Brittany's story, I noticed that about her as well.  I don't bring this up to be insensitive, but to bring up an interesting point.  It's interesting how, and I speak for myself here, about how I care about how I look.  Watching Lauren's story and and remembering my dad, it changes my perspective, because while it is important to care about how look, in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter.

Watching Lauren's story reminds me how important it is to have a support system.  There were many times when my dad was sick and even now, that I think I am all alone in this journey.  In those times, God reminds me that I am not alone.  That he has been with me and my family every step of the way and will continue to walk with us.  He also places people in your life during your time of need and even after that, that are the exact people you need in your life.  I know it has been that way for me, even when I didn't think so. 

It was also amazing to me to see people, especially in his last few years and months of living, they would tell me that they were praying for my family and my dad.  It is still very humbling to think about.  I don't know about you, but I many times doubt God will answer my prayers, and here are people that prayed for 15 years.  It reminds me how powerful prayer is, even when you don't think God is answering or doing anything.

It's hard though, because when I look at my dad's situation and Lauren's, I think why do/did they have to go through so much pain.  Did they do something that would cause God to allow them to get cancer.  I remember that it is not based on that, that honestly I don't know why.  My pastor talks about how sometimes we go through things that can't really be explained.  That sometimes only God knows, but we may not find out while we are still living.

If I can be honest, that is hard for me to deal with.  I want to know why my dad had to go through all that he did.  I want God to tell me, but I realize that may not happen.  I have to remember that while I have those questions, there are other people that I can help.  There are people that Brittany and her family can help, even with the questions they have.  Again, that is SO TOUGH, because I realize everyday that I won't see my dad again.  That I won't get to share great memories and milestones with him.  That I won't be able to just hang out with him.

There are also many times that I think, what was the point of all that we went through.  All those years of treatment, all the family and friends that prayed, and he was never able to fully recover, it was all a waste.  Then I think about what God is teaching me right now, and how he didn't waste anything.  I continue to learn from my dad even though he is no longer here.  I know what it means to persevere even though there are times where I don't feel like I can.  What it means to love and sacrifice for my family.  Even though I am single right now, I hope to one day get married and have a family.  Probably only then will I realize how much my dad loved us and how much he sacrificed for his family.

My hope is that wherever you are right now, that you remember how important it is to have support and be around those that you care about.  That you realize how much someone who you know personally, what they went through and how much they and sacrificed for those that they loved.  KEEP GOING!!


Here is the link to Lauren Hill's story:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-T5d2Bpp2p8

Thanks for reading and God Bless,

Patrick Mastrianni

It's Been Quite A Year

For those of you that don't know, a year and a half has gone by since my dad died.  It still seems strange to say that.  I would still love to hang out with him one more time.  I would still love to call him up and talk to him one more time.  I would still like to ask for his advice and thoughts on what is going on in my life and in the world in general.  I still wish he could see me get married.  I still wish he could see my first child. 

A year ago, something else significant happened in my life.  I STARTED THIS BLOG!  At the time, I wasn't sure what it was going to look like.  I knew at the time and leading up to when I started it, that I wanted to do one, and when I realized that it was coming up on 6 months since my dad had died, I thought it would be as good a time as any.  I didn't have any experience in doing a blog before I started 15 Years.  I didn't know what people would say in reading about what has been such a big part of my life.

To be honest, IT'S SCARY!  You are probably saying, why would it be scary?  It's hard to talk about what my dad and family went through because it is very painful.  It's hard to do this blog, because I actually have to be vulnerable in telling you about his story.  It's hard to do this blog, because when I write each post, I actually have to think back over the 15 years we has sick and would like to instead forget it all happened.  It's hard to this blog, because there is that possibility someone might ask me about my dad and my story, and I actually have to tell them about what it was like to go through it all.

Even with being scared doing this blog and continuing on with my life without my dad, God is constantly reminding of things as I do this blog.  The biggest, that I am not alone.  Even though it may not feel like it and the healing from all that we went through as a family seems super slow, I know that God is walking beside me.  I know that it will take time to heal, but it will come.  He also reminds me that I am not the only one who has been through what I have been through.  I am constantly reminded and think a lot about how this blog is not about me, even though I want it to be.  That there are people right now who may be reading this blog or may read it in the future, that are going through straight fire right now.  That don't know what is going to happen next.  That don't know if any good will come out of the situation they are in.  If that is you, God wants to help you get through your situation.  It's not going to be easy though.  It's going to be messy, sometimes even downright nasty.  There will be times, where you may want to throw in the towel, where you feel like giving up, where you ask, IS THIS WORTH GOING THROUGH?

I am here to tell you firsthand, that it is worth going through.  And I know it is tough see a loved one go through pain unimaginable or even yourself if you are experiencing the same thing.  But I also know that God has taught me a lot and can teach you a lot through this experience.  What he taught me through my dad, is to never give up, to keep going even when you don't want to and God in those times will give you the strength.  To keep living for those you love, because at the end of the day, they are the only people that really matter in your life.  I saw that in my dad, that in his last few years, he cared about my mom, myself and my sister.  He was willing to go through pain, to continue to be there for our special moments and I believe that God honored him in different ways in being able to do that, especially with our college graduation.

Although, I may never meet you, keep fighting.  Continue to persevere, even when you don't feel like you can or when everything seems foggy.  Pray and ask God to fight for you, and he will.  He will fight the battles that you are not able to.  He is very present, and is there even when you don't feel like he is.  He is fighting and there for you, even when what you are going through seems like it is taking every single amount of weight it has and throwing it down on you.

It has been such an amazing opportunity to this blog.  I do pray that you would find this blog and take it to heart.  I do pray that it would help you in your time of need.  And know that you are not alone.


Thanks for reading and God Bless,

Patrick Mastrianni

My dad and I at Emory Hospital at the end of April 2009 right before his Bone Marrow Transplant

How are you Defined?

Hey everybody.  Currently, I go to Community Bible Church in Savannah, GA.  It is a great church and I really enjoy going there.  Right now we are going through the Book of Acts.  On Sunday, September 14, 2014, was a pretty special day, because we had baptisms and there was just a lot of celebration along with it.  Also that day, the sermon was great.  We went through Acts 3, and our pastor started off talking about a defining moment in our lives.

After the first few minutes, I immediately thought about my dad having cancer.  And the thing is, it is not just a single moment that happened during a day.  It is not a several day period or a few months, it is 15 years that he was sick.  And now that he has passed, that is somewhat defining as well.  15 years of unknown, 15 years of ups and downs, 15 years of watching a man suffer more pain than I can possibly imagine to.  15 years of watching your family having to struggle through, 15 years of wishing/waiting for my dad to get better.

Everyday I wake up, I remember that my dad is gone.  Everyday I want to call and talk to my dad, but I remember that I can't.  Everyday I think, I can't wait to call my dad and tell him that I am going to get married.  Everyday I think it will be cool to share my wedding day with my dad, but here won't be there with me physically to share it.  Everyday, I think it will be great to share the day I have my first child with my dad, but again he won't be here physically.  I know this all sounds sad, but these are all things that I think about.  When you lose someone close to you, you realize the important moments that you won't be able to share with them but also just to be able to talk to them is what you miss too.

A lot of times, I feel defined by my dad having cancer, because that is how I feel people know me or my family.  When you run into people you know, they tell me they are sorry about my dad and that we had to go through all those years of him being sick, and you thank them, but deep down, I wish they knew me and my family in a different way.  Even when I meet people for the first time, and tell them about my family and about my dad.  I wish many times that people did not look at me in that light, that people did not define me by my circumstance.  

Many times, I feel like God defines me this way too.  Many times I want to ask why did it have to go on for so long? What was the purpose? What I am supposed to be learning from this?  If you have or are going through something similar, remember God does not define you by your circumstance/s.  He knows that it hurts.  He knows that it seems like what you are going through is taking forever.  He knows that there may be times where you want to cry or yell, or are just angry.  He doesn't like it any more than you do, and if you let him, he will help you get through your circumstance.  Trust me, I have a very hard time with this, but he has helped me through a lot of stuff since my dad died.

http://www.cbcsavannah.com/#!current-series/c1hb6. Click on Acts 3 Sermon

Thanks for reading and God Bless,

Patrick Mastrianni

Hold up your light

Last year, September 13-14, 2013, I went to the START Conference hosted by Jon Acuff.  It was in Brentwood, TN right outside Nashville.  It was an awesome time, with great people that Jon brought in. If you don't know who Jon, he is a motivational speaker based in Nashville.  He has written four books, including his most recent, Start: Punch Fear in the Face, Escape Average & Do Work that Matters. He speaks to groups of people in various settings about chasing after their dreams and doing what they love to do, whether it be in their job or a hobby.  He he has two blogs, one which is SCL aka Stuff Christians Like, which is hilarious to read, and I will post it at the end on here.  His other is on his website Acuff.me, which does have some humor intertwined, but most of it is challenging and encouraging people to do what God has given them the ability to do and a passion for.

Prior to what Jon does now, he had various jobs and talks a lot about fear, and how he had to punch it in the face and begin the journey of what he loves doing now.  Friday night, the first night, there was one part, where we were handed finger lights (which I still have in my car) and the lights were turned out where we were.  Jon asked several different questions related to fear, that were also put up on the big screen for everyone to see.  There was between 500-600 people at this conference.  Every question that was asked related to chasing a dream or doing something you loved, and how fear played a role in that, the entire room raised their hand.  It was amazing to see that number of people raise their hand each time a question about fear was asked.  It also reminded me, that I was not alone, and together we could help each other overcome and keep going.

Now, you are probably wondering, what does any of this have to do with what your blog is actually about, and I will get to that now?  For my own personal story, when it comes to fear, there are different ways that it comes into play.  I think whenever you are doing something you love or working towards a goal, you have to have support from other people.  For me with my dad being gone, part of that is gone. I will always remember the love and support he gave me, while I was growing up, and I will cherish and carry that with me for the rest of my life.  With him being gone though, I can't pick up the phone to call and talk to him or go drive to see him and physically be around him.  Even though, I still have most of my immediate family, I think when you lose someone that is such a closed loved, you still want their advice and just to talk to them.  And I know that people say that time heals and I do believe that God is healing me each day, even though it feels very slow, but it is still tough every day.

If you are reading this, and it is a rough time right now for you, you might be saying, Patrick you don't even know me or my circumstance.  You are right, I don't, but what I do know is that I have been through some tough stuff.  And every time, I just want to lie down and wake up and everything go back to normal, and my dad be around, I just try to keep going.  Every time, that I just want to give up, I think about what my dad went through, and I know that I will be okay.  That's the other thing, if someone you love is or has gone through a lot, let that encourage you or keep you going.  Probably the most important thing though is when you feel crushed or you are trying to be courageous through a tough time, sometimes you just need to let God fight for you.  We think a lot that we have to be Superman, and we have to be strong, which I struggle with that everyday, but let other people in and have them help as you go through this period of time.

Here are the links to Jon Acuff's blogs:

http://acuff.me/

http://stuffchristianslike.net/

Thanks for reading and God Bless,

Patrick Mastrianni

Great Reminder

Two weeks ago on Tuesday, August 19, 2014, I gave my Icebreaker speech, at the Toastmasters club I am in.  Man, it was great!!  The week leading up, I was preparing each night.  Tuesday night finally came, and I gave it and thankfully got a good response.  At the end of the meeting, one of the other members evaluated my speech.  They told me the areas that I could improve in.  They also told me what I did well, and it was nice to have a confidence booster going into my next speech.  Being your own worst critic, immediately after the speech, you think of things you should have said or what you could have done differently.

Another member did their first speech, and she and I talked afterward for a while.  I talked to her more about my dad and what he went through.  I told her that it is still hard with him being gone.  That it is hard to talk about what he and my family went through, because there is pain that will never go away. But that it really is an honor to talk about what he went through, and talking about it will be helpful along the way.  She then started to talk about her childhood, and how her brother got polio when he was 18 months old, and she was six years old at the time. After going to a Children's Hospital near where they lived, and different treatments, she said they pulled him through.  At the time, even with coming through it, he had to relearn how to do basic everyday functions.  After going through all this, shortly afterward they found out he had acute lymphatic cancer, and died soon after at the age of 4.  At the time she was 10, saying that she was like a mother to her other siblings, and now years later, she still thinks about him all the time.  She says that as time has passed, she has been able to process everything, but she misses her brother everyday.

While talking to her and once I left the meeting for the night, God reminded me that I am not alone. That there are other people that have been through tough life situations.  I know this sounds selfish, but I find myself in this mindset many times.  I get upset with God that my dad is no longer here and that he had to go through all that he did.  Thankfully, he understands and helps me get through it, when I do struggle with it.  Through this, he also reminds me and shows that there are other people that need someone to talk to.  If you are reading this, and you are having a hard going through your circumstance, that's okay. Don't think that you have to go through it alone.  God wants to help you get through it, and put people in your life that will help you get through it.






I want to thank my friend for sharing her story with me and letting me share it with you.


Thanks for reading and God Bless,

Patrick Mastrianni

Icebreaker

This has been an interesting week.  For the last several months, I have been a part of Toastmasters, which is an international speaking club.  This upcoming week, I will be giving my first speech, officially known as my Icebreaker speech.  I will be telling my club about myself, which will be a pretty cool opportunity.  This week, I have been practicing, which has been pretty funny, because I have had to start over a bunch of times, and sometimes you have to laugh at yourself, because of how funny it can be.  Over time, I have become more comfortable with speaking in front of people.  Nowadays though, it is a little different and there is more purpose with what I talk about, since my dad died.  Not that every time I talk to people, I tell them about my dad, but when I do tell people my story, it's remembering that it is part of my story, and there is nothing to be ashamed about it.


It is still hard to talk about my dad and what he went through and what we went through as a family.  I was talking to a friend of mine, Steven Roberson the other day, about how hard it is.  I don't want to use the word, vulnerability, which seems to be a cliche word within the Christian church, but it is hard to be open about it sometimes.  There is a lot of pain that we went through an
d still go through, and that only God himself can help me get through, as I continue with my life.  Especially with this as there are other people reading, but that is why I decided to do it.  When I think about it, it is really an honor to share with people about a man, who fought for 15 years like he did.  It is an honor to talk to people about my family, people like my mom and my sister, who had to see their husband and father go through terrible pain, but displayed amazing courage through it all.  My grandmother, who throughout the time she has been retired, instead of not doing anything, she has been there throughout the time my dad was sick, and with that, 4 years ago, lost her best friend, my grandfather (PopPop), after being married over 50 years.  Overall, it is amazing to think about the family that I do have, and to see how they have gone through everything they have.

If you are reading, and again thank you for reading, and you are going through something tough currently or have gone through something, you are not alone.  Just like with my icebreaker speech and as time goes on, you need to share your story.  You need to tell others, because they can learn from you, and through your story, God can bring healing into someone else's life and even your own.  Also, remember that it may not be thousands of people's lives that you touch, but it may just be one person that hears or reads your story.  

Steven Roberson is a great friend, who is an artist, that seeks to share his gift with other people. You can find him at http://stevenroberson.com/.

Thanks for reading and God Bless,

Patrick Mastrianni

Thank you, Jim Kelly

Sunday, August 3, 2014 was a great day.  It was my roommate's birthday and we went to see the Savannah Sand Gnats play.  If you don't know who they are, they are a minor league baseball team here in Savannah, GA.  If you are reading this and don't live in Savannah, but come to visit, you should catch a game. However, try to avoid the actual sand gnats, because they can be pretty annoying.  I am not the biggest baseball fan, but it was a great time celebrating with him and everyone that came. It was really nice being at a baseball game on a Sunday afternoon and enjoying as they say (America's Pastime). Afterward, we went out to eat at a place called Spanky's, which again if you are in Savannah visiting, you need to go. They have several locations, including one right on the Savannah River, which is really nice.  They also have as much fried food as you could possibly want and is a good place to hang out.

Later in the night, we had several people come over to watch the Bills vs. Giants.  It was Hall of Fame weekend for the NFL and both teams had players inducted the night before.  We had a good time watching the game and then came halftime.  They did a piece on Jim Kelly, who used to play for the Bills and was inducted into the Hall of Fame several years ago, but had a teammate who went in this year.  Jim Kelly over the last few years has been battling cancer and it recently came back a second time.  He has finished treatments in the hope that it does not come back.  With all the people that were at our house, hanging out and having fun watching the football game, I was glued to the t.v. It was like everything else faded away.  Here is this former NFL player, who has cancer, when he is never supposed to never get hurt, fighting for his life.  What is also really cool, is that it has been known that he and his family are a strong Christian family.  As he is going through this really hard time, he and his family have stayed strong in their faith.  While also going through cancer, they have been able to help other families who are going through what they went through, having a child with a severe disability.   It was such a powerful few minutes, and am grateful that I was able to see it.

I struggle a lot with not having my dad around and having seen him experience so much pain, and thinking that me and family are the only ones that have gone through something like this.  I am reminded though, that I am not alone, and that even though I may never meet Jim Kelly, his story can help encourage me and others.  God also reminds, that I am not alone, that he is with me, even though I may struggle.  I am also reminded by Jim, that I can help others through my story even though it may be painful. And I want to remind you that if you are reading this, that you are not alone with what you are going through.  That God does love you, that even though you may be going through something extremely difficult like cancer, but he wants to be right there with you through it all.  That whether in the middle of it or things have now passed, you can help others with your story.

Thank you, Jim Kelly

http://www.nbcsports.com/football/nfl/jim-kelly-kelly-tough-fight-against-cancer

Thanks for reading and God Bless,

Patrick Mastrianni

Five Lessons My Dad Taught Me

A few weeks ago, I did a post about Father's Day, and what it was like for me with my dad being gone and what that day meant to me.  As I have written in my past posts, there have been many things that my dad taught me through having cancer.  Lessons that I will carry with me for the rest of my life, and one day as I have a family, lessons I hope to put into practice.  There are five lessons my dad taught me during his fifteen years of being sick.  Even with him being a teacher, some of these lessons were ones that he taught without ever having to say anything.  I think it is important that we can learn from people we know without them saying anything.  I think this is especially true if someone we know is going through something really tough, and realizing that no one is perfect.

1.  How to be a Christ-following man
Thankfully, I grew up in a Christian home, with parents that brought us to church.  For my dad, he knew and recognized that he was not perfect, and he never tried to act like it.  Through being sick, he taught me that my relationship with God, is not about when everything is going really well, but that there may be times when things are really bad.  To always depend on God, but also know that I would have to do my part, and know that I couldn't be lazy.

2.  How to be a good husband
One thing I know for sure, is that my dad loved my mom.  I always remember the story of when he first saw my mom and how he knew right away that he wanted to marry her.  Even in his last few years, and even though his sickness overtook him, and not being able to be a functioning part of a family, he would always tell me that he loved my mom more than life itself.

3.  How to be a good father
My dad was a great father and did the best that he could while being sick.  He always reminded me that he was not my best friend and that he wasn't going to try to be.  He believed that in order for me to become the best man I could be, that I was going to have to learn some hard truths and that I wasn't always going to like him for it, but down the road as I got older, I would realize that it was for my good.

4.  How to work hard
When I think of my dad, I think of someone who worked hard, even when he was his most sick.  He was always working outside, making sure our house looked nice and taking pride in the work that he did.  He also taught me to work hard at my job.  My dad loved teaching math and was so good at it, (weird, because I didn't get that gene).  Even with that love, he was never satisfied, he was always seeking to learn and help others.  He was so passionate about teaching his students and helping them become better students and people.

5.  How to live life to its fullest
For the those that knew my dad, they know that he was a passionate.  (When you are Italian, you can't help it, we are lively people, we like to talk with our hands and we are also loud, which he could be very loud if he wanted to be).  He would always talk to me about not being scared to live, even with him being sick, he would remind me that I couldn't let it get in the way of living my life.  He was constantly reminding that God gave me talents and gifts for a reason, to not be afraid, and to help others in using them.

Finally, here are a few pictures of my dad. Notice the buzz cut he has.  Even though I did not have it in this picture, he and I buzzed our heads growing up all the time.  My mom didn't like it, but that was okay, I thought it was cool being like my dad.

Thanks for reading and God Bless,

Patrick Mastrianni

Father's Day

On Sunday June 15, 2014, it was Father's Day.  It was a hard day, and I don't know that it will get any easier.  It's hard after someone close to you has died, to not be able to to talk to them.  You want to call that person, but you know you can't because they are not around.  If you live with that person, you expect to talk to them or for them to walk around the corner, but they don't.  That is the way it has been with my dad. Something really interesting, and was a true blessing from God, was that I got to share my dad's and my families story with two people that weekend.  In talking to them, I got to share when he first had cancer, and then the two other times that it came back, and the health issues he had in between them.  How brave he was for going through it, while trying to be a good husband and father, and also working, providing for his family. That even with his strong faith, that he struggled with being sick.  I also said that it's just hard to deal with everyday.  Also, that I wouldn't have to do anything in particular, but I would just love to be able to spend more time with him, and just talk to him one more time.

I also wore my Superman shirt that day, which if this is your first time reading, Superman was my dad's favorite superhero.  I also watched Man of Steel, which came out in theaters last summer.  It's a great movie and there are many qualities that my dad displayed during his battle with cancer.  I think the biggest thing to me was my dad's courage.  For 15 years he went through pain and struggling health, that I don't know I could go through.  He often said that he love us "more than life itself," and that showed in his fight with everything The fact that he was willing after 11 years of fighting to go through the Bone Marrow transplant, was amazing.  

There were so many unknowns, yet all he really cared about was being around his family for as long as he could.  I thank God that I was able to be with him for his last few years.  Even so, it was very hard to see my dad in such bad health.  There are many days where I think or ask God why we had to go through that? Please don't feel alone if you feel that way, because I deal with that everyday.  I think it's okay to ask God those questions, and I realize I may never find out why my dad had to go through all that he did.  It's realizing that I will never see my dad in person again, but that he has had a huge impact on me and my family. Thanks Dad for the courage you displayed during your fight.

Thanks for reading and God Bless,

Patrick Mastrianni

Today is One Year

Good evening everybody,

today is here, which sounds weird, especially since this is being written at the end of the day.  When I started this blog, it was the six month anniversary of when my dad died, and I thought it was an appropriate time to start it, especially since I had been thinking and praying about it for a while.  Today is the big day, today is ONE YEAR since my dad died, which is crazy to think about.

I didn't know what today would be like, and I think it's good to not have any expectations when it comes to a day like this, especially since it was my dad.  I think it's hard everyday when you lose a close, loved one to continue trying to live.  I don't know that we ever truly get over losing them.

Today was tough though.  It's tough, because everyday I realize I will never be able to talk to him here on this Earth again.  I won't be able to ask for his advice on different things.  He won't be able to see me get married or have kids (which were the two biggest events that he wanted to be a part of).  And it's great to be able to talk to family and friends about him and remind each other of the good times you had with him, but it still does not replace actually being with him.    

I have learned a lot though in this past year.  God has been gracious towards me and my family.  He has taught me a lot personally which I will share now.

He has taught me a lot about my dad, which is who this blog is about as you know.  For a person to be able to go through all that my dad did is amazing.  God has been reminding a lot about how much my dad loved his family.  My dad could have easily not decided to have treatments, but three different times, decided to go through a lot of pain to continue living and to be around his family, which my dad truly loved and adored us. Especially in his last four years after he received the bone marrow transplant, how much pain he went through still amazes me.  Probably the most vivid memory of this, was in his last few months, he came to my sister and I's college graduation, and there was no one more proud than him.

God has brought a lot of healing among our family.  This past year has allowed us to become closer and to really cherish and love each other more, which I think going through what we have went through, will do.  It teaches you what is really important and how important it is to be close with your family.  Especially my mom, to have seen her husband go through all that he did, and to be so gracious about it all, has been amazing and is a testament to her faith in God and has had a big impact on my sister and I.

I hope that if you are reading this, that somehow my story can help.  That you realize that you are not alone in your journey, even though at times it may feel like it.  I also want you to know that I am not perfect, but thankfully God still works with me.  Know that it's okay that you don't go through these times perfectly, because you are not supposed to.  Ask God to walk through it with you.  Thank you to you all for following this blog and walking with me on my journey.

Thanks for reading and God Bless,

Patrick Mastrianni

High School Years

High school was a rough 4 years for me, although that's not the main point of this particular post, telling you that, but it's true.  As I said in my previous post, my dad got cancer again when I was a sophomore in high school.  I think the biggest issue, was that I never liked to take the time to actually study, especially when it came to Math.  I had a really hard time in Math, all throughout high school, and my dad would always tell me "You have to learn the rules son."  I can't even begin to tell you how many times I heard that.  Anyway, once the cancer came back, my dad took it hard and it affected me too, because he was my dad, and you don't want to see your dad be sick, especially when he is supposed to take care of you, not the other way around. Again, your dad is supposed to be Superman.  Another thing he would always tell me, and for those that knew my dad, you know he was a very passionate man.  He would always say, "Patrick, you have so much potential, and I want you to be a better man than me," which looking back now, I hope I can be half the man he was with what he went through.  He would always tell me that, because he didn't want me, with him having cancer and being sick cause me to not do my best and go after my dreams, which now looking back, I understand.  Let me be honest though, that is very hard to do, because you want to help those you love and be there for them, but you also have to live at the same time.  I think with that comes learning to trust God even with everything that is going on. I don't say this knowing how to, but learning and trying to do it. For me it has not come very easy, but it certainly helps.  Trust me, I am not the expert on how to balance those two things, I am just telling you my experience, which I hope you can learn from.  Also, it was not hard for me to make friends in high school, but it is hard when someone in your family is sick and there are not a lot of people around that can relate.  In many ways you feel like you are alone, and for those that are reading this, again know that you are not, and that you do have a support system if you are willing to have people be there for you.

Thanks for reading and God Bless,

Patrick Mastrianni

Middle School Years

My dad was a teacher for about 12 years and we were at the same school once I got to middle school.   He was a math and science teacher, and I don't think I know anyone that loved math more than he did.  He could do math problems all day and I am grateful, that even with all the health issues he had, that in his last few years he still loved math and never lost the ability to do it. It is amazing the gift that God gave him to do it.  In middle school, I played basketball and although my dad did not coach me, he was always at my games supporting me (I can still hear him now, he had a very distinct voice) even if he was not feeling well.  (If you are not a parent yet, be thankful for your parents being there to support you in what you enjoyed doing).  In middle school is when I started to understand better what my dad's health was like.  He never wanted him being sick to affect us and for us to worry about him. (I think I heard him say "I'm okay" more times than I can remember).  God gave him a lot of strength to go through what he did, and as I continue this blog, what he went through in my time in high school and college, will more evidence of that.

Thanks for reading and God bless,

Patrick Mastrianni

  

Looking Back

Now that I have told you about what the three different times of my dad having cancer looked like, I want to give more detail within the 15 years and even what I think and feel now that my dad is gone (which won't be just this post about what I think and feel).  When I think back to when my dad first got cancer, I remember I was 9 years old.  At 9 years old, you don't really know or understand what your dad having cancer means, all I knew was that he was sick.  At 9 years old, all you are really thinking about is playing baseball with your dad, or in my case my favorite sport was basketball. And he is not supposed to be sick, he's supposed to be Superman.  (I will reference Superman a lot since that was my dad's favorite superhero, which I think I wrote in a previous post).  Still to this day, I remember coming home one night after he had gone through his procedure and was in the recovery process, him having tubes coming out of his body, which was from him having to take medication/drugs to help his body, which still to this day amazes me how much of that over a 15 year period he had to take.Just as he would say in his last few years of living (they basically kill you to help keep you living).  I also think about why he went through all that and now I think, I don't know if I could have gone through what he went through.  It is amazing how much strength God gave my dad and how much my dad was willing to go through just to be there for us, his family.  It really makes me more grateful and thankful that he was my dad, and that he loved us that much, that he was willing to sacrifice so much. Probably the most vivid memory I have of my dad and how the first time he had cancer affected his health, is the cough he had. I probably could write a whole post just on that. But going back to it, I remember him always having a hard time with that cough (I can still hear it to this day). Once I got to middle school, I was able to better understand what he went through with his health.

Thanks for reading and God Bless,

Patrick Mastrianni