2014, With and Without Cont...

Hello everybody, I probably ended my last post pretty quickly.  Due to time restraints getting ready for my trip to Pebble Beach, CA with my family to spread my dad's ashes, I thought it might be best to end the post when I did.  Before I go on, my post after this will be about my trip to Pebble Beach.  Our trip was amazing.  It was very emotional for my mom, sister and myself and we were really glad that we were able to take the trip and spend such great time with each other.

Interesting enough where I left off in my last post, it leads to my next point when it comes to 2014.  2014 was also a full year in being able to work on my blog.  I started it at the end of October 2013.  Some things that I take away from it are that I know it is no where close to what I would like it to be.  That means several things.  First thing is, that I need to commit to making it more interactive and visible to those of you that are reading it.  Which, again I cannot thank you enough if you are reading it.  First, it is such an honor to write about my dad and my family and secondly to have you read it.  Second thing is, that I need to make my blog more of a priority.  Because I truly believe that God has really given me a great opportunity to do this blog, and that it can really help people.

It's interesting because I was speaking with a friend of mine recently about this.  I told them, that I felt like I had really been gaining momentum with my blog.  I was able to write a good bit in 2014, but I also know I can do more with it.  The reason I say this is because there are several blogs that I follow.  One of those being Jon Acuff's who I have mentioned before.  With him being a public speaker and having had the opportunity to go to the START Conference he hosted, sometimes I get discouraged.  He is constantly posting on Twitter with the link to his blog and also his most recent book just came out, Do Over.

I have to remember that God has me in a different place in my life.  He has given me a different story and has me reaching a different audience.  I am not saying that Jon has not been through pain or tough times, but the people that I hope read this are the people that are experiencing pain.  Pain that hurts so bad, that only God can bring healing to.  And while that doesn't mean I need to slack off, and not write as much, I remember why I am doing it, which keeps me going.  Along with that real life happens.  Sometimes I get discouraged by that too.  I am not able to work on it for a variety of reasons. And again I have to remember it doesn't have to look a certain way.  Sometimes I fool myself into thinking that real life doesn't happen for other people and everything is going perfectly, when they are dealing with everyday, real life issues like I am.

Getting back to where I ended in the other post, I ended talking about the many weddings that I went to in 2014.  Funny enough, 2015 seems to be the year of a lot happening in my family.  Back during Mother's Day Weekend 2014, my older stepbrother and future sister-in-law got engaged.  I mentioned them in my previous post, and they are getting married March 28th, which is coming up very soon.  Even more recently, only a few weeks ago, my other stepbrother Wesley Hester and his fiance Jessica Cohen got engaged, and they will be getting married August 29th of this year.  My sister, Alyssa Mastrianni who I have mentioned in my blog before is working and living in New York City.  She moved up the day after we got back from Pebble Beach.  Whew...really that is all happening this year?

With all this happening in my family comes a lot of time either talking with my family or being with them in person.  I don't write this as a bad thing, but just stating it because of all that is happening.  It's easy to get overwhelmed, but I remind myself and many times pray for peace, and that God would bring peace to our family, because it is easy to worry with all that is going on.  It's also easy for me to discouraged.  With all the excitement going on for our family, I realize that I am not dating anybody.  With this sometimes I can feel like I need to find somebody.  God reminds me that he can work through me as a single person.

I also remind myself that marriage is not something to rush into.  Not that I need to wait for a long time, but be okay with being single.  And if you are anything like me, sometimes I get into the thought that there is not anyone out there for me.  That no one would be willing to share what I have experienced over 15 years with my dad.  I think that is somewhat of a selfish thought.  I do understand that some people may not get married.  As someone who would like to get married, I am learning more that I can't shut myself off to loving somebody.  For the rest of my life, my excuse can't be what my family went through with my dad.  Because again many other people have been through the same or worse.

Overall, I have to remember that right now is an exciting time for my family.  It's easy to be selfish and be mad at God and think that nothing exciting is happening in my life.  Just like with my blog, I have to remind myself God has me in a different stage of life.  And again, not just being lazy, but being okay with things happening, even if I think it is happening slowly.  

Thanks for Reading and God Bless,

Patrick Mastrianni

Links to blogs

Alyssa Mastrianni:   http://darcy-dearest.blogspot.com/

Jon Acuff: http://acuff.me/.  Also, here is the link to his new book.  http://acuff.me/do-over/

 

2014, With and Without

Hello Family and friends, amazing to think we are already in February 2015.  After my post about my Christmas and New Years, I realized I needed to do a recap of the year 2014.  Actually after seeing my fellow blogging friend Teryn O'brien write on her blog about what 2014 meant to her, is when I wanted to do one for myself. 

2014 was an interesting year.  It was the first year in my young 25 year old life, (I turn 26 March 16th!) that my dad was not in my life.  Just a reminder, if you are new to my blog, my dad passed away April 28th, 2013.  It's been hard to say the least.  Over time, day after day, I realize how much I miss him and how he was such a huge part of my families life.  Sometimes, I even think to myself, how am I supposed to go on with my life without my dad being there.  Even though, I have my mom, step-dad, grandmother, sister and so many other important people in my life (thank you to everyone who has and is an important part of my life) helping and giving me advice, I just want to be able to ask my dad. 

Ever since my dad passed and especially this year, since it was a full year since he has been gone, my family has not experienced going to the hospital to see my dad.  This may sound like an odd statement, but being without that in my life has been different.  For fifteen years, with my dad having cancer three different times and then especially the last few years of his life, stemming from the bone marrow transplant, going to the hospital, became part of the routine.  Now, I am not saying it was fun by any means, but it was such a big part of my life. 

It's interesting now, because I have the opportunity to share with people my families story and be there for those that have been through a similar situation.  I have the opportunity to share with people what my life is like without my dad being in it, and in turn reminding them to cherish the time they have with their loved ones and not take it for granted. 

Even with my dad not being here anymore, God has blessed me with so much especially with my family.  Before I get to my family, there are a few other things that 2014 showed me.  I attended 5 weddings in 2014 (that's right 5), and it was great to be able to go to them and see my friends share their lives with each other.  Early in 2014, I did date someone for a few months, but realized that I was not ready to be in a relationship, which is okay, because I still have healing to do and some more maturing to do.

I will write about my family in my next blog post, and stop here for right now.  Just a brief update, is that February 10th-15th, my mom, sister and I will be going out to Pebble Beach, California.  If my dad did not get to play Pebble Beach, then he wanted his ashes spread there.  Please be thinking of my family and praying for us, because it will be a great trip with my family, but also emotional with what we are doing.
Also, please be praying for Teryn O'brien, who is mentioned earlier in this post.  She has been battling Lymes Disease for quite some time and really needs prayer.  She has been a great help to me as I continue on this blogging journey. 


Teryn O'Brien's blog:   http://www.terynobrien.com/



Thanks for reading and God Bless,

Patrick Mastrianni

Christmas and New Year's

Hey everybody, hope you all had a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!  Don't know if you have seen my pictures from Christmas a few weeks ago, but I had a great time with my family.  My sister, Alyssa came down with her dog Dottie, and it was just great to see her.  A few days later my cousins, uncles/aunts and grandmother all met in Hilton Head, SC to be with each other to celebrate Christmas and ring in the New Year.  Overall it was such a great time.  The second night we were in Hilton Head several of us played a game called Heads Up!  It was such a good time with everybody laughing and being able to be with family was even better.  I also saw Unbroken on Christmas Day, which I thought was a great movie and will do a later post about, then while we were all in Hilton Head, we saw The Hobbit: Battle of the Five Armies, which was another great movie.  Overall I am a fan of the Lord of the Rings and now The Hobbit movies.  At the end of the day, it was nice to be with my family and to be able to relax and rest.

Christmas last year, I didn't post, because I was just getting going with this blog.  It was also the first Christmas since my dad had passed, which was very different and difficult at the same time.  Before I continue, I would like to say that for those that don't know, back in July 2010, my Grandfather a.k.a PopPop suddenly passed away from a stroke.  As some of you may know, during that summer I was still in school at Kennesaw State University and was in Miami for the summer on a mission trip with CRU.  It was a little different at that time because even though it was very sad and sudden, I was with a lot of other people, who besides my family back home were there to support and be there for me.  He was a huge influence in my life and I think about him everyday, cherishing the memories that I have of/with him.  Even though I may not mention him as much within this blog, he was very important to me and I still remember lessons that he taught me.

I remember reading a blog by Teryn O'Brien a few months regarding the holidays and having to deal with the death of someone you are very close to.  Even though I have not met Teryn, I am inspired by her blog.  I agree with her, just like her, for me Christmas has been tough the past two years solely because of my dad not being here.  Christmas has always been a very special time for our family.  My dad was notorious for taking videos of us growing up and opening our presents and sitting down to eat together.  And I think the last one we had with him was even more special because of what it took for him to get to that point.  Also, it was his 60th birthday, which happened to be 12/12/12.  He also came to my sister and I's college graduation, which I don't know if there was a more proud person that day, than my dad. 

They, (whoever they is) say that time heals.  While that is true, it still is tough, and will be for a long time.  When there are people, especially your immediate family members, like my father and grandfather, it's hard to get used to.  You expect them to be there with you on those special days, and they are not there.  And for me, I feel like I am the only one that feels that way.  I think, I know this is supposed to be a happy day, but it just feels so different without them there and to be honest it doesn't feel whole.  I also remember that I am not the only one who feels that and if you do feel that way, again you are not alone and God understands.  Don't think that because you feel this way, that you are weird or something is wrong with you.  It's understandable, because you are human and we are supposed to have real emotions.  We should and are supposed to miss those closest to us who are no longer with us here.

As I write this, I also don't want people to get the wrong impression and think everything is just all sad in my life and that's the way it should be for other people.  I also want to point out and remind people that there is hope and joy. First in Jesus Christ, for what he did for us on the Cross.  For me, this is my greatest hope and joy thankfully.  God also reminds me as I mentioned earlier, and I don't want you to miss out on this if you are reading right now.  Remember the family and friends that you have with you right now.  The love and support that you hopefully have even while you still may be dealing with things.  For me again with this past Christmas, just to have been able to be with my family was such a huge blessing.  I also think about how God through death brings life and other great moments in our lives.  Probably one of the biggest moments is through marriage (no I am not getting married yet). On March 28th, in a couple of months my stepbrother and future sister-in-law will be getting married and sharing their lives together.  What a great moment to be able to share with them, and it just reminds me that God can bring joy even when you feel like you have experienced so much tragedy and heartache in your life.  Even when you may feel like love is hard to find or you think you may never experience it or you think you are just hurting so bad, that you don't know if love even exists anymore.  God is HOPE, JOY, PEACE AND LOVE!!!

Teryn O'brien: http://www.terynobrien.com/: http://www.terynobrien.com/2013/12/19/becoming-aware-of-triggers-in-grief/

Alyssa Mastrianni:  http://darcy-dearest.blogspot.com/

Unbroken Movie Trailer:  http://www.unbrokenfilm.com/

Battle of the Five Armies: http://www.thehobbit.com/


Thanks for Reading and God Bless,

Patrick Mastrianni

 

 

An Inspiring Story

I recently read a story on Jon Acuff's blog.  I went to his START Conference in September 2013.  Since then I keep up with his blog and enjoy what he writes.  This particular post was on his SCL aka "Stuff Christians Like" blog.  It was a women who has been through some tough life experiences.  She wrote to Jon telling her story and how his blog helped here with what she was going through.

At the end of what she wrote to Jon, she thanked him for his blog.  She thanked him for reminding her that as a Christian, it's okay to laugh.  That it's okay to be out there and be yourself.  Her story is tough to read, because it shows just how messy the world can be.  It shows how broken we are.  But it also shows just how amazing and big God is and what he can bring us from and through.  That he walks with us with, even though you may not know it or feel his presence. 

Beth's story reminds me of mine.  There are many times when it is hard to be joyful or happy, because of what happened to my dad.  I think "what was the point of all the pain and suffering that he went through, and that we went through as a family?"  In those times, I remind myself that would want me to be happy and joyful.  That I still have my family here on Earth and how important it is to cherish them.  That in my pain and hurt, God can help me to reach other people who may be hurting.

Beth's story reminds me of how important human interaction is, and how need other people to talk to about what is going on in our lives.  For me that's hard, because it painful and not very fun to talk about.  I feel like I am the only one and have to go through it alone.

That's especially true in being part of a church.  I don't want to tell people that my dad passed away.  I don't want to tell them my dad was sick for a long time.  I don't want to tell them what my family went through.  I don't want people to look at me in a different way or feel sorry for me.  In these times, God reminds me of the people that he has put in my life.  That even with it being hard to talk about, I need to keep talking to them.  I don't need to be afraid of feeling that hurt or pain.    

I also think about how important it is for people to listen, that are in the lives of those hurting.  And now that my dad is gone, this is most important for me to remember.  I read a blog post from Teryn O'brien, another blog that I follow about this very topic.  She says "Fear never helped a person in grief. Don’t shut out someone who is hurting."  Sometimes I get in the thought that someone I know is okay after time has passed after going through a really tough situation.  That may not be the case.  I know that I need to talk to people, and in return be there for other friends/people.

Many times what it comes down to for me, is that I don't want to be inconvenienced.  And that is a very selfish thought.  One that I have to constantly get rid of.  In that thought, God reminds me of the people that have been there to listen to me and give advice, which is great, but I also need to learn to listen better.  That is a very big lesson that God is teaching me, how important it is to listen to other people.

I am thankful to have read Beth's story.  Thankful that she was willing to have her story shared with many other people.  Thankful that she was open and honest, because it reminds me that it's okay to do that.  Thankful to be reminded that even with how dirty, painful and just how downright hard life can, that Jon Acuff reminds me that there needs to be humor in my life.  

Jon Acuff's article: bit.ly/1tiEtCr .

Teryn O'Brien's article:  http://www.churchleaders.com/outreach-missions/outreach-missions-articles/171113-teryn-obrien-ways-to-minister-to-someone-who-is-grieving.html/2

Thanks for Reading and God Bless,

Patrick Mastrianni

Lauren Hill

Thank you again to everyone who has read and followed my blog this past year.  It was great to celebrate and think back over this past year in starting and writing my blog.  As hard as it is to write and talk about, I know that it is an amazing opportunity and really an honor to tell other people about my dad and what he went through.

A few months ago, I wrote a post about Jim Kelly and his battle with cancer.  It was amazing to see this big figure in sports, having to go through this tough battle with cancer.  While he has been going through it, he and his family have stayed strong in their faith in God.

Recently, I watched on T.V. about a college basketball player, Lauren Hill, who may not even make it to the new year, due to brain cancer.  Her story is amazing and the person that she is while going through all this is even more amazing.

She plays at Mount St. Joseph, a small DIII school in Cincinnati, OH.  The NCAA approved moving the date of the game up from it's original date, with the hope that she would be able to play.  They played Hiram College in Hiram, OH.  The night before the game, Hiram's team took Brittany's team out to dinner.  The next day during the game, Brittany scored the first and last goal of the game.  Mount St. Joseph, but nobody really cared this day.  Even the Hiram players after the game, were crying and hugging Brittany and her teammates, and everyone was touched by what was going on.  They were all inspired by and celebrating Lauren.

During the time that my dad was sick, due to the medication that he took, his face would swell.  As he would say, he looked like a "chipmunk."  In watching Brittany's story, I noticed that about her as well.  I don't bring this up to be insensitive, but to bring up an interesting point.  It's interesting how, and I speak for myself here, about how I care about how I look.  Watching Lauren's story and and remembering my dad, it changes my perspective, because while it is important to care about how look, in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter.

Watching Lauren's story reminds me how important it is to have a support system.  There were many times when my dad was sick and even now, that I think I am all alone in this journey.  In those times, God reminds me that I am not alone.  That he has been with me and my family every step of the way and will continue to walk with us.  He also places people in your life during your time of need and even after that, that are the exact people you need in your life.  I know it has been that way for me, even when I didn't think so. 

It was also amazing to me to see people, especially in his last few years and months of living, they would tell me that they were praying for my family and my dad.  It is still very humbling to think about.  I don't know about you, but I many times doubt God will answer my prayers, and here are people that prayed for 15 years.  It reminds me how powerful prayer is, even when you don't think God is answering or doing anything.

It's hard though, because when I look at my dad's situation and Lauren's, I think why do/did they have to go through so much pain.  Did they do something that would cause God to allow them to get cancer.  I remember that it is not based on that, that honestly I don't know why.  My pastor talks about how sometimes we go through things that can't really be explained.  That sometimes only God knows, but we may not find out while we are still living.

If I can be honest, that is hard for me to deal with.  I want to know why my dad had to go through all that he did.  I want God to tell me, but I realize that may not happen.  I have to remember that while I have those questions, there are other people that I can help.  There are people that Brittany and her family can help, even with the questions they have.  Again, that is SO TOUGH, because I realize everyday that I won't see my dad again.  That I won't get to share great memories and milestones with him.  That I won't be able to just hang out with him.

There are also many times that I think, what was the point of all that we went through.  All those years of treatment, all the family and friends that prayed, and he was never able to fully recover, it was all a waste.  Then I think about what God is teaching me right now, and how he didn't waste anything.  I continue to learn from my dad even though he is no longer here.  I know what it means to persevere even though there are times where I don't feel like I can.  What it means to love and sacrifice for my family.  Even though I am single right now, I hope to one day get married and have a family.  Probably only then will I realize how much my dad loved us and how much he sacrificed for his family.

My hope is that wherever you are right now, that you remember how important it is to have support and be around those that you care about.  That you realize how much someone who you know personally, what they went through and how much they and sacrificed for those that they loved.  KEEP GOING!!


Here is the link to Lauren Hill's story:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-T5d2Bpp2p8

Thanks for reading and God Bless,

Patrick Mastrianni

It's Been Quite A Year

For those of you that don't know, a year and a half has gone by since my dad died.  It still seems strange to say that.  I would still love to hang out with him one more time.  I would still love to call him up and talk to him one more time.  I would still like to ask for his advice and thoughts on what is going on in my life and in the world in general.  I still wish he could see me get married.  I still wish he could see my first child. 

A year ago, something else significant happened in my life.  I STARTED THIS BLOG!  At the time, I wasn't sure what it was going to look like.  I knew at the time and leading up to when I started it, that I wanted to do one, and when I realized that it was coming up on 6 months since my dad had died, I thought it would be as good a time as any.  I didn't have any experience in doing a blog before I started 15 Years.  I didn't know what people would say in reading about what has been such a big part of my life.

To be honest, IT'S SCARY!  You are probably saying, why would it be scary?  It's hard to talk about what my dad and family went through because it is very painful.  It's hard to do this blog, because I actually have to be vulnerable in telling you about his story.  It's hard to do this blog, because when I write each post, I actually have to think back over the 15 years we has sick and would like to instead forget it all happened.  It's hard to this blog, because there is that possibility someone might ask me about my dad and my story, and I actually have to tell them about what it was like to go through it all.

Even with being scared doing this blog and continuing on with my life without my dad, God is constantly reminding of things as I do this blog.  The biggest, that I am not alone.  Even though it may not feel like it and the healing from all that we went through as a family seems super slow, I know that God is walking beside me.  I know that it will take time to heal, but it will come.  He also reminds me that I am not the only one who has been through what I have been through.  I am constantly reminded and think a lot about how this blog is not about me, even though I want it to be.  That there are people right now who may be reading this blog or may read it in the future, that are going through straight fire right now.  That don't know what is going to happen next.  That don't know if any good will come out of the situation they are in.  If that is you, God wants to help you get through your situation.  It's not going to be easy though.  It's going to be messy, sometimes even downright nasty.  There will be times, where you may want to throw in the towel, where you feel like giving up, where you ask, IS THIS WORTH GOING THROUGH?

I am here to tell you firsthand, that it is worth going through.  And I know it is tough see a loved one go through pain unimaginable or even yourself if you are experiencing the same thing.  But I also know that God has taught me a lot and can teach you a lot through this experience.  What he taught me through my dad, is to never give up, to keep going even when you don't want to and God in those times will give you the strength.  To keep living for those you love, because at the end of the day, they are the only people that really matter in your life.  I saw that in my dad, that in his last few years, he cared about my mom, myself and my sister.  He was willing to go through pain, to continue to be there for our special moments and I believe that God honored him in different ways in being able to do that, especially with our college graduation.

Although, I may never meet you, keep fighting.  Continue to persevere, even when you don't feel like you can or when everything seems foggy.  Pray and ask God to fight for you, and he will.  He will fight the battles that you are not able to.  He is very present, and is there even when you don't feel like he is.  He is fighting and there for you, even when what you are going through seems like it is taking every single amount of weight it has and throwing it down on you.

It has been such an amazing opportunity to this blog.  I do pray that you would find this blog and take it to heart.  I do pray that it would help you in your time of need.  And know that you are not alone.


Thanks for reading and God Bless,

Patrick Mastrianni

My dad and I at Emory Hospital at the end of April 2009 right before his Bone Marrow Transplant

How are you Defined?

Hey everybody.  Currently, I go to Community Bible Church in Savannah, GA.  It is a great church and I really enjoy going there.  Right now we are going through the Book of Acts.  On Sunday, September 14, 2014, was a pretty special day, because we had baptisms and there was just a lot of celebration along with it.  Also that day, the sermon was great.  We went through Acts 3, and our pastor started off talking about a defining moment in our lives.

After the first few minutes, I immediately thought about my dad having cancer.  And the thing is, it is not just a single moment that happened during a day.  It is not a several day period or a few months, it is 15 years that he was sick.  And now that he has passed, that is somewhat defining as well.  15 years of unknown, 15 years of ups and downs, 15 years of watching a man suffer more pain than I can possibly imagine to.  15 years of watching your family having to struggle through, 15 years of wishing/waiting for my dad to get better.

Everyday I wake up, I remember that my dad is gone.  Everyday I want to call and talk to my dad, but I remember that I can't.  Everyday I think, I can't wait to call my dad and tell him that I am going to get married.  Everyday I think it will be cool to share my wedding day with my dad, but here won't be there with me physically to share it.  Everyday, I think it will be great to share the day I have my first child with my dad, but again he won't be here physically.  I know this all sounds sad, but these are all things that I think about.  When you lose someone close to you, you realize the important moments that you won't be able to share with them but also just to be able to talk to them is what you miss too.

A lot of times, I feel defined by my dad having cancer, because that is how I feel people know me or my family.  When you run into people you know, they tell me they are sorry about my dad and that we had to go through all those years of him being sick, and you thank them, but deep down, I wish they knew me and my family in a different way.  Even when I meet people for the first time, and tell them about my family and about my dad.  I wish many times that people did not look at me in that light, that people did not define me by my circumstance.  

Many times, I feel like God defines me this way too.  Many times I want to ask why did it have to go on for so long? What was the purpose? What I am supposed to be learning from this?  If you have or are going through something similar, remember God does not define you by your circumstance/s.  He knows that it hurts.  He knows that it seems like what you are going through is taking forever.  He knows that there may be times where you want to cry or yell, or are just angry.  He doesn't like it any more than you do, and if you let him, he will help you get through your circumstance.  Trust me, I have a very hard time with this, but he has helped me through a lot of stuff since my dad died.

http://www.cbcsavannah.com/#!current-series/c1hb6. Click on Acts 3 Sermon

Thanks for reading and God Bless,

Patrick Mastrianni