Holiday Season

Hello family and friends,

I hope all of you had a good holiday season.  As 2015 closed, what a great opportunity with Thanksgiving and Christmas, and just in general the holiday season, that we had to be with our family and spend time with each other.  For some of you though, this was a very difficult time for you all.

For some of you, you have lost a close friend or family member, and this time of year only brings about painful memories, or many other emotions that are not happy.  As some of you may know, my stepfather, Tommy Hester passed away back in April very suddenly.  What was supposed to be a routine surgery, resulted in several complications from it, and things nobody saw coming and him going downhill very quickly.  We were left standing there looking around saying what just happened?  For some of you, it may be the very same thing, or just like with my dad, someone you know has been sick for a very long time, and you lost them this year, or something else that has brought about pain.  I don't know what it is, but it hurts.

When I write these posts, I try to humbly as possible recognize that I can't even begin to imagine what you have been through or the hurt you are feeling, but rather empathize with you.  That I am someone who has lost people very close to me, and through that loss, God has given me a story to share with you and people I interact with on a daily basis.

I am not sure if I have mentioned this in previous posts, but when people know your situation, and ask "How are you doing?" or "How is your family doing?" I feel like this is such a loaded question, that it is hard to answer with just one word or in a sentence.  And I understand that people care and want to know, but sometimes you want to say "How much time do you have?" and actually sit down for a while and share with them how things are going.  But I recognize that not everybody has a large amount of time to spend talking, so sometimes you just have to say "Things are okay, thanks for asking."  There is not any specific way to answer the question by any means, but with your own personal situation, you know how to best answer it.

And I think it is even harder during the holiday season.  Not only are your friends or family saying you should be happy, but t.v. commercials, billboards, magazines, postcards are all saying you should be happy, and you are the exact opposite.  And it's okay to be the exact opposite.  It's okay to be sad or even ask "Hey God, what is going on?"  And I know we tend to think, that he is not big enough to answer that question, but he is and he wants us to ask that question.  And even when we want to have the question answered, God may not answer the question of why.  He may do something different by helping you get through this period of time with family or friends.

I think the other difficult thing is accepting the help of others.  I know it is hard for me, because many times I think, "I'm good, I can get through this on my own,"  Remember though, especially during Christmas and this time, how much of a gift people are.  God has given us other people to share our lives with, and we tend to think that we always have to be serving and doing, doing, doing, that we never allow others to serve us and help us.  Sometimes I think God has us in certain places and in certain seasons of life, for us to see the grace of others.  Sometimes we feel like when we have lost someone close to us or are going through a hard time, we feel useless or selfish.  Sometimes though in order to get the focus off ourselves and our situation, he puts people in our lives to show how much grace he truly has.  For us to recognize that things can get better, and that life can go on even though these people are not in our lives anymore, it just will look and feel different.

I think the best example of God's grace is our family.  And as I think about my family, each individual person has experienced their own heartache and loss over these recent years, but yet they are all still so giving of themselves.  The best example I can think of for myself that I see, is my mom.  In a span of less than two years, she has had to say goodbye to my dad and then only a few months ago to Tommy.  For my dad, we were more prepared for especially with how sick he was over his last few years of living, but again no less difficult.  With Tommy, it was in the blink of an eye like I have mentioned.  I believe it is one thing to say goodbye to a parent, grandparent or friend, and please hear me when I say that I am in no way taking away from your loss if you have lost anyone close to you in your life.  When you lose the person that you stand with committing your lives to each other before God and those family and friends you love that you want to share that amazing day, that is something totally different.  Although I am not married, I hope that God blesses me with marrying a woman someday. 

I believe that marriage is an unbreakable bond and is unlike any other relationship that we have while living.  You are probably thinking why I am talking about marriage, this is not what the blog is about.  My point is that losing a spouse should just wreck those that have, and that is okay if it is has, because we have a God that is with us in the midst of it.  And my other point is that as my mom is still grieving in her own way, and even though she misses Tommy and this has been a difficult time, she is still such a giving person.  Not only does she care about her own family, but those she comes into contact wherever she may be, I know just from being around that her, she displays God's grace. 

As I have mentioned before, it would be easy for her to be angry and resentful, and people would understand, but she is not.  I have actually had conversations with her, in that she has said it doesn't really help to be angry.  Does it hurt, you bet.  And she knows that Tommy would not want her to be mad, and to continue living and to be happy.  On top of that, it just continues to amaze me her faith in God through all of this.  She knows that each day is going to be tough, but as she says the best thing to do is trust that God will get us through each day.

I don't know how your holiday season went, but as we start 2016, may you experience a new beginning and maybe a little hope. 


Thanks for Reading and God Bless,

Patrick Mastrianni

Family Christmas Picture

Tommy

Hello family and friends, I apologize for not having written in several weeks.  Since the time my stepdad passed, which was on April 14th, 2015, for those don't know.  It hasn't been busy, but my family has really been my top priority.  Sometimes, it feels like in only a few months, you can live an entire lifetime.  My stepbrother Clay Hester and his wife Helen got married on Saturday, March 29th, 2015.  They are great people and Helen, right after Tommy passed wrote an amazing tribute about Tommy, that thankfully she said at some point would be fine for me to share on my blog.  There is nothing more that I could add that would make what she wrote better, so I won't.  Personally, I believe she needs to start her own blog based on this tribute.  Who knows.  If you read closely, even though you may have never met Tommy, you will get to read the kind of man he was and the impact he had on his family, and the community he lived in.


Thanks to Helen Hester for writing what is below:

My first conversation with Tommy Hester took place when I was a baby lawyer, just starting out at Inglesby Falligant in 2007. The conversation was supposed to be all business, as he was then with The Coastal Bank. But, in true Tommy Hester fashion, he began inquiring about my background. He was most concerned with whether or not I owned a gun. When I assured him that I not only owned a gun, but also knew how to use it, he said, "well, I've got a son you should meet." Little did either of us know at that time that some six years later I would not only come to meet the sweet and wonderful son that you see in this picture, but I would marry him just three short weeks ago. Many great things have been said in the last few days, but I would be remis if I didn't give my own small tribute to the man that I have come to dearly love. A man that took myself and my sister-in-law, Jessica, in as his own daughters, a man that loved his grandchildren before they were even born, a man that had a smile that could stop you dead in your tracks and turn your whole day around, and a man that loved his two sons and wife unconditionally. While we will never be able to fill the void, I know that Clay, Wes, Jess and I will instill in the next generation of Hester's what Tommy taught each of us: to laugh even when the circumstances seem impossible, to smile in a way that lights up each room that they will enter, to love with all their hearts, to have the kind of faith and optimism that ministers to other people, to give great big hugs and to make a difference in their communities, just as he did. What a comfort to know that we will have the world's greatest father and grandfather/babysitter smiling down on us always.


Thanks For Reading and God Bless,

Patrick Mastrianni

Blindsided

Hey everybody, I apologize for being out of touch these recent weeks.  When I last wrote, it was the week/2 year anniversary of my dad's death.  Thank you again to those that either read my blog that week or just have been supportive towards my family.

For those don't know, I posted on Facebook when it happened on April 14th, only a few weeks ago, my stepdad Tommy Hester passed away suddenly.  To give a little background, my mother and Tommy married two years ago, and I believe that God brought two families who had been through a lot together.  Tommy was a great man, and loved my mom.  They really enjoyed each other's company and brought each happiness and joy, and for a period of time experienced some much needed peace.  Right before my mom, sister and I went on our trip to Pebble Beach, we found out Tommy would need open heart surgery due to some heart complications he was having.  After coming back from our trip, at the end of February he had the surgery and thankfully everything went successfully.  A few weeks into his recovery, doctors found blood clots in his legs which was pretty alarming and needed to be taken care of.  For a couple weeks they tried different things to help with and then right before Easter they met with the doctor again and he wanted to order some more tests since he wasn't getting better.  Two days after Easter, they did a CT Scan.  The following day, on Wednesday, April 8, my aunt sent me a text message to call her and then I called her and I will never forget that day for the rest of my life.  It was as if somebody had just let off a bomb and all I could was stand there and not do anything.  From the CT Scan, the doctors found Pancreatic Cancer, Stage 4 that had metastasized to his liver!  Also that Wednesday morning, he had a stroke at the house with my mom there and they rushed him to the hospital and to get over there when I could.

What?  Is what I just heard real?  These thoughts and many others raced through my head.  Since I was at work, all I could do for a few minutes was just stand there and gather my thoughts about what I had heard before going to the hospital.  As I drove to the hospital, I sat there pretty quiet thinking, God this can't be real, what is going on?  I got to the hospital and went to the room where he was and my mom, two stepbrothers and their wife and fiance and family friend were all standing there.  I went to a room to wait for a while until everyone came back from where my stepdad was, and talking with people and hearing it again was just as shocking and unbelievable as the first time.  I went back to work for a little while and then went back to the hospital after getting off.   I was finally able to talk with my mom and other family members, and I was trying to wrap my head around what I was hearing.  Before leaving the hospital that night, I went to see my stepdad with my mom.  Similar to my dad, here was a man only a few months ago, was healthy and lively, and now very sick.  My mom and I went to have dinner at Chick-fil-A, which I think in many ways just heals your soul.  While we are sitting there my sister called who lives in New York City, and had just found out about my stepdad and was very upset, and it's in those moments you don't really know what to say or do.  You want to be Superman, especially for my mom who has been through more than I can even imagine.  For my sister and stepbrothers and their significant others, I just wanted to take all their hurt and pain, and just take it all.  I want to be Superman, but I feel helpless and lifeless in many ways wondering what's happening right now.  

Over the next few days, in talking with my mom and the doctors, they talked about letting him go home, but there wasn't much they could do about the cancer.  It would be pretty much a waiting game.  It's weird because even though we went through so many different things with my dad, and you feel like you are prepared for something like this, you still feel like things are falling apart.  It's weird to talk about with your family members about even if you are able to bring him home, he will have to require so much care for remaining time he will live, and you don't even know how long that is?  You just have so many questions and don't even know where to start or even what to ask, and in the meantime life is still going on.  Many family and friends came to visit that weekend, and Tommy seemed to be in great spirits and enjoying seeing everyone.  That Monday after, I went to the hospital after work to visit and have dinner with my mom.  Everything seemed to be okay, and then on Tuesday, the 14th, I called my grandmother while I was driving at work, and she said simply that Tommy was not doing well, and that he probably wouldn't make it to the end of the day.  It's so hard, because you don't even know what to say or do.  The afternoon went on and about 3:45 my mom called me crying saying that Tommy had passed around 3 p.m. You don't forget those moments, especially with someone like your mother, who has been with you through so much and now you have to be there for her, but you don't even know what to say or do, except be there for her, which is really the only thing you can, as I have been learning recently.

For right now, I am going to stop here.  I will be continuing to share over my next few posts about everything that has happened since my stepdad passed away.  I will also have a guest post, that was written in the first few days after he died.  Thanks to those that have written cards, or made food or just have been there to listen to either myself or my family.  You may know, but you really are being an example of Christ when we need it most.  The picture below is the at the wedding of my stepbrother Clay Hester and his wife Helen Hester.  The fact that Tommy was able to come even though he wasn't feeling that well and especially only a few weeks later, he would not be with us, is amazing and truly a gift from God. 

Thanks for Reading and God Bless,

Patrick Mastrianni

 

Father's Day 2015

Happy Father's Day to those that are father's.  It's crazy to think that even though the two year anniversary just passed a few weeks ago when my dad died, it is now the third Father's Day without him.  He passed away right before Father's Day 2013.

If I am going to be honest, which is the point of this blog is to tell you my story and what my dad and family, and how much I miss him, today hurts.  It doesn't hurt physically, but mentally and spiritually it hurts.  It hurts when I go to church and see families sitting together with their father right there.  It hurts when I see fathers I know and say "Happy Father's Day" to them, but I can't even call my own dad and tell him.  Today in particular is not the only day it hurts, because it hurts and is hard to deal with everyday, but today just stings a little bit more.  Now I don't write all this because I or my family want your pity or to feel sorry for us, but to let you know how it really feels.  It would be very selfish for me to say that I am the only that is hurting especially with the recent passing of my stepdad.  Because it is now having to see my mom go through this process for a second time and be without the love of her life.  Having to see my two stepbrothers and their loved ones go through this process.  Also, with my grandfather who passed away back in 2010, having to see my grandmother who spent 50+ years with the man she loved, still miss him and talk about him all the time.  I realize I am not the only that hurts being without 3 of the most influential men in my life.

People I meet or friends of mine will ask me what it is like to not have my dad, but especially on Father's Day it is tough to be asked that question.  Usually I will share people's name in my blog, but this next statement, I will keep my friend anonymous.  Today, I was at church and spoke with a friend of mine for a few minutes.  Since he has kids, I told him Happy Father's Day, and we talked about today and what each other's plans were.  He then asked me how I was doing and if today was tough for me.  How do you answer that question?  I don't say this in that I am angry or upset at my friend for asking me.  He is a great friend and understands from talking with him that it has been a hard road for me and my family.  But even so, it is a tough question to answer.  I told him that I was doing okay and that it was tough.  That's a pretty honest answer.  Our teaching pastor at the church I go to talks about many times with people who are going through some tough things, to be honest with other people about how things are going.  Now what he is not saying and I have learned that I can't just share everything with just any old person, that's not really fair to them or you who are going through something, because it is also not really healthy.

I do think that we need to be honest and real with the people that are closest to us about how things are going.  But even with those that are closest to us, as I mentioned earlier with the mental and spiritual struggle of it, they don't see that.  Mentally, I am always thinking about my dad and not that I am going to try and break it, because it shows how important he is to me.  The simple fact of wanting to share exciting news with him.  Many times, I will say I need to call him and then remind myself that I can't do that.  And to those that feel the same way or feel like they are the only one, it's okay, you should want to tell someone who was such an important part of your life about exciting or not so exciting things going on in your life.  And spiritually, it's hard for me.  Just this morning, I went for a run and was praying and let God know that it still hurts that my dad is not around and that it was hard to see him have to go through so much pain.  Even though I struggle with it, I also think that we need to get over this whole of God not being able to handle our emotions.  Just like my pastor said last week during the sermon.  "If he not only created the earth and our galaxy, but galaxies that we can't even see, and yet still is able to have a close relationship with you, and be with you when things are going good or bad, then he is able to handle minor things."  That is probably not the exact quote, but something like that.  He also doesn't think what you are going through is minor, or just blow it off because he doesn't think it is a big deal.  He truly does care, and is even willing to have you be angry or upset with him if that's the case, because he wants you to bring your pain to him, because he is big enough to take it on.

My hope for this particular post is that if your dad is still living, wish him a Happy Father's Day.  Many times when I write my posts, I am constantly thinking that someone may have gone through way worse than I have, and you may have if you are reading this.  You may say, who is this guy and what does he know, if he only knew who my dad was or that my dad is lousy and didn't do anything.  That also may be the case, but I do know what is like to not have a dad.  I don't say with any sort of arrogance I hope or trying to shove this in anyone's face, but saying that I wish I was able to speak with my dad one more.  As I have probably said in previous posts, even if I had just 5 minutes just to say hi, I would love to have that.  But I don't, and realize how precious the time that I did have with him.  All the family dinners we had or the times especially in the last few years of his life, where I was able to walk and talk with him.  No one can ever take that away from me.  So I don't write knowing what you have been through, but hoping that you might take my advice.  Don't let one thing or a few things allow you to not have a relationship with your father.  It's not worth it.  It's worth taking that step and maybe saying hey what I went through hurt or am currently going through hurts, but I can learn to forgive and rebuild.

To my dad, Happy Father's Day!

Thanks for Reading and God Bless,

Patrick Mastrianni

Two Years

Two Years? Really, Already! Has it been two years since my dad passed away? Yes, it has.  In the past few days and today, I have talked with several people about the significance of today.  This past Sunday, April 26, I met with the college/equipping pastor where I go to church.  I mentioned him in my previous post.  His name is William Kane, and has been a great friend.  He was a caddie for Webb Simpson on the PGA Tour for two years.  We met for a while and talked about several different things, including most recently the passing of my step dad two weeks ago, which after this post I will share that with you all over my next few posts including hopefully my first guest post.

We talked about today being two years since the passing of my dad.  He asked me "how do you think that will be."  Now, I am not sure if that is exactly what he said, but it wasn't anything elaborate, just an honest question.  I told him that it would be tough, not as tough as last year since it was the first year, but tough.  And that I think it will get less tough as time goes on, but it will still always be tough.  I told him there are many times where I wish I could call him.  There are times when I am thinking about calling someone, and I think I will call dad, but then I remember I can't.  I don't know if that will ever really go away.

I remember talking with my mom since the my stepdad passed, about what it must be like to be a pastor and the demands placed on them.  The fact that there are so many different needs that people have, while yet they have their own needs that need to be met.  How do they balance that?  How do they deal with those tough life questions, that don't really have an answer and really only God can answer.  In talking with William, nothing against him, but there is nothing he can say that can take away the pain that I feel.  And when I talk about pain, I don't mean the kind of pain you feel when you stub your toe (which if you have done that, can really hurt).  I am talking about everyday, knowing that you may will never see that person again.  That doesn't mean that I just sulked today or other days and feel sorry for myself.  My dad wouldn't want me to do that.  In fact, living life is really how I move on. 

And as my life goes on, I think it is important for me to remember, just like William and I talked about, sometimes you don't need to say anything.  Sometimes you just need to be there for somebody.  As I think about all the people that have been there for me and my family, it is overwhelming.  Even more importantly, it wasn't about what they said, but the fact that they were with us.  That's even more important as time goes on for me, is that I am there for others, as people have been there for me.  Thankfully, God has provided me the opportunity to be there for people who were going through a similar situation or just needed somebody to talk to. 

I know I have mentioned my friend Teryn O'brien before and even mentioned a line from one of her past blog posts.  In one of her posts she talks about grief and losing someone close to you, and how you will have to get used to a "new normal."  A new normal, what an interesting term, but so well put.  I feel like that hit's exactly on the money for my family and I.  And I know that death as it is said is a part of life, but I still think it should affect us whether someone like my dad was sick for a long time or my stepdad who was sick for a brief period of time.  We need to recognize that whoever it is, either family or friend, that it still hurts.  And I guess my new normal is sharing my dad and now stepdad's story with other people.  Not that every new person that I meet with, I sit with them for hours and tell them every detail, but if the opportunity is there, what an opportunity I do have to share with them about the amazing family that I have.  I don't know what my other new normals really look like.  If I figure them out, I will surely share them with you. 

Thank you to all my family and friends for your love, support and prayers.

Thanks for reading and God Bless,

Patrick Mastriani

Teryn O'Brien:  http://www.terynobrien.com/

College Pastor William Kane Twitter Handle: @WilliamKane1

Webb Simpson Twitter Handle:  @WebbSimpson1

Pebble Beach

Hello family and friends,

thank you for taking the time to read my two posts With and Without.  I thought it was important to take the time to share what 2014 was like for me, and I can't take all the credit, since my fellow blogging friend Teryn O'brien shared with her readers about her 2014, and that's when I decided I would do the same thing.  Thanks Teryn!

As many of you know from me talking with you or from Facebook and Twitter, several weeks ago February 10-15, my mom Monica Mastrianni, sister Alyssa Mastrianni and I flew out to Pebble Beach, California for a very special trip.  If my dad did not get to play Pebble Beach Golf Course, then he wanted his ashes spread there.  Since he died, the three of us have talked about when we were going there and what all we were going to do.  We wanted to play, but decided that it was too expensive.  Trust me though, I will be going back out there to play when I am older and hopefully a little better.  Once we decided we were not going to play, we talked about when would we go.  A couple of months before, we found we would be able to go to the AT&T Pebble Beach Pro-Am and got a really good deal for tickets.  We also got a really good deal for our flight and hotel.

On the morning of the 10th, we flew out from Atlanta to San Jose.  When we finally landed in San Jose, we had about an hour drive to get to our hotel in Salinas, CA.  To get there we drove through miles and miles of farmland, which was pretty cool to see.  We also passed through several cherry and garlic farms (yes that's right, garlic).  The aroma of garlic came into our and immediately I just wanted to start cooking with.  It was just a great smell and something different to see.  With all day traveling, we didn't really want to do much except eat and go to sleep.  After going to the hotel, we went to a place called Rosita's Armory Cafe, which was a great hole in the wall Mexican place.  After eating, we went to sleep for the next day.

Prior to going out to Pebble Beach, I spoke with my college pastor William Kane, who was Webb Simpson's caddy on the PGA Tour for two years, before becoming a college pastor.  He talked about going to Pebble Beach and how much fun he had out there, and also how amazing God's beauty is, along with what people have built among the amazing landscape that is there.  The next day on Wednesday, February 11th, my mom, sister and I went to the tournament at Pebble Beach, and driving into where the tournament was, was amazing.  The golf course itself is among million dollars homes with trees and just green everywhere.  Then the backdrop is of course, the ocean crashing over the rocks, which leaves you speechless.  Wednesday was a celebrity challenge, which was cool to see some of the most well known people in the entertainment industry.  After that was done, we walked the rest of the course.  The weather while we were out there was great, but on this particular, it just seemed to be extra special.  It was sunny, but not to hot, blue skies and just amazing landscape.  There were many times I just wished the day wouldn't end.  The fact that we were able to walk Pebble Beach Golf Course with hardly anyone around still amazes me.  If you go to Pebble Beach, one of the most famous holes, is hole 7.  It is faces directly at the ocean and you just stand speechless, amazed at God and his amazing creation. I am still thankful, that God allowed us to go on this trip and honor my dad in such a special way, and I know just being able to go to this special golf course would have made him happy.  That night we went out to eat at a pretty cool seafood restaurant and then were all very tired and went to bed for the next day.

On Thursday, February 12th, we got up and drove to Big Sur (For you runners out there, the Big Sur Marathon is a big time race).  We drove on Famous Highway 1 through Big Sur, which has the ocean on one side and mountains on the other.  In between is a windy two lane highway that makes you feel tiny.  I always enjoy going to the beaches here in Savannah (or nearby Hilton Head, SC).  Every time I go, I always think about my dad and how he was so curious about how God created Earth.  Being in Big Sur and the area that we were in was a totally different experience.  To see this massive ocean (which for some reason felt bigger than the ocean here) with these huge mountains as the backdrop was breathtaking.  There were many times, where I just stood and thanked God for creating all that we were seeing.  To preface, I didn't know what it was going to look like when the three of us were going to read/speak about my dad while we were on our trip, but this particular day is when we decided to do it.  Also, a side note, if you take this sort of trip, you might as well throw out your expectations, because you will disappointed if you don't. That afternoon, we went to a nearby park and walked around for a little while until we found an area with some tables that we could sit at.

To be open for a minute, I don't really cry that much.  This doesn't mean that I don't miss my dad, because I miss him everyday.  There have been several times, whether it has been a sermon from my pastor, or something I read/saw that I have cried after.  When I think about my my mom and sister and what they went through and have been through with everything that went on with my dad, it makes me want to cry.  Even more so, when I think about how they have been since my dad died, it pretty much leaves me speechless.  The grace that they have in their heart is more than I can ever think to have.  They are not bitter or angry about anything.  This is not to say, that they are not hurt by what happened, but they never have told anyone to feel sorry for them.  They read what they wrote about my dad first, with my sister going first and then my mom.  What they read and had to say was beautiful and very emotional for all of us.  Overall it is an absolute honor and privilege to be their son and brother and am thankful for both of them.  To be able to go on this trip with them was another honor and privilege, and again, just so thankful that God provided this opportunity for us to go together.

I was last to go, and several times got choked up, but was able to get through it.  After we read what we had written, we sat at the table for a few minutes and talked, laughed and cried.  Then my mom and sister got up and walked around and just enjoyed how amazing and beautiful the day (which if I have not mentioned until now, the weather while we were out there was gorgeous and on this particular day was spectacular).  I continued sitting there thinking about everything going on and just started crying.  It all finally hit me and was a lot to take in.  After sitting there a few minutes, the three of us went over to this spot where there was an overhang and a direct view of this gigantic ocean and mountains mixed.  While standing there and looking out, I continued crying.  I don't know, there was just so much emotion with this trip and also looking at what God had created just got to me.  While standing there, we were able to spread some of my dads ashes and just enjoyed being together.  Once we were done, we started walking back to our car, and drove back towards where we first started and went to this restaurant (Nepenthe)
that is about 800 feet above the water.  The view was absolutely amazing and it was nice to be able to enjoy it with my family. On our way back it was getting darker, but we were able to get some amazing pictures of the sunset.  That night we didn't too much, because it was very exhausting for all us and it was nice to relax.

On Friday, February 13th, in the morning we drove to the Monterey Bay Aquarium.  Before going we went to this awesome breakfast place, and the weather again was great, that we sat outside and enjoyed the amazing view of the boats in the bay and the town in the background. After, we went to the aquarium and walked around for a few hours.  It was absolutely packed! We all really enjoyed it, and it was just a great reminder of how creative God really is.  I always think of how strong and powerful he is, (which he is), but I sometimes forget, but this trip reminded of how creative he really is with all the different sea creatures that we were able to see big and small.  After we walked in the area for a little while and then for a couple of hours, we went to Carmel.  Wow, there is a lot of money going through that area.  One house that we saw right across from the ocean was worth $7 million (that's right), $7 million.  As amazing as some of these houses and the scenery were. some of the houses looked they were out of a Lord of the Rings movie, so it didn't feel real, because I guess when you have that kind of money, you can do what you want with it.  Because of going to the tournament the next day and Saturday being Valentine's Day, we out to dinner this particular night.  Again, it was a true honor and privilege to be with my mom and sister on Valentine's Day, although I am sure they could have picked a better date than me, but it was nice being together.  We went to a place called Rio Grill, which from the outside looked like a regular place, but inside was very nice, and a different place to experience.  We all had a great meal (don't worry, if you didn't see my Facebook and Twitter posts while we were out there of the food we ate, I will put some on this).  After, we went home and pretty much crashed at our hotel.

Saturday, February 14th was our last full day on our trip.  We went to the tournament this particular day, only this time, they were live rounds being televised with a lot more people.  Instead of going to the Pebble Beach Course, we went to the other courses that had players and walked around Spyglass.  This course was absolutely incredible and had several amazing views of the ocean.  While walking it, we ran into the wife of one of the players, who is in his rookie season.  His name is Blayne Barber, and he and his wife went to Auburn, and in talking to her, realized we had a mutual friend.  (What, are you kidding me)?  Sometimes I think how amazing it is that you can meet someone like that across the country and know the same person.  Anyway, it was really cool to meet them and we continued walking the rest of the course.  As it got later, we realized we needed to get back over to the Pebble Beach, to see the leaders finish the last few holes.  Once we finally got to the famous 18th hole, it was an absolute zoo.  There were so many people, but it was so cool to be a part of such a great tournament with all these people and especially with my family.  We were able to see the last few groups come in and then we stayed for a while after to enjoy scenery and weather.  Once we left, we went out to eat.  Of all the places, we could have gone to, we went to Chipotle.  (That's right, Chipotle).  For those that don't know, I love some tacos and all Mexican food.  I just think it is funny, that I had to do all the way out to the middle of California, when there is one here in Savannah, only a couple of miles.  It was a good time with my family, but will stick with Barberitos.  Nothing against them, but sometimes, you gotta stick with what you like.   After a long day, we went home and crashed again.

On Sunday, February 15th, we flew from San Jose, CA back to Georgia.  Overall, the three of us had an amazing time and it was such a blessing to be able to go.  As I think about the weeks leading up to the trip and since we have been back, I truly believe that God gave us those few days together as a gift.  Not that we had done anything special to be able to go, but God gave us the gift of being able to go out there and honor my father, and I know from going out there we would have been happy.  I think it was also a gift to have been able to go and spend time with each other, without the distraction of work and other everyday events that go on.  Thank you for your thoughts and prayers while we were out there.  Thank you again for your support.

Thanks for Reading and God Bless,

Patrick Mastrianni

Teryn O'Brien:   http://www.terynobrien.com/.  Also, check out her newest opportunity: http://www.sperobox.org/

Alyssa Mastrianni (my sister): http://darcy-dearest.blogspot.com/

College Pastor, William Kane Twitter Handle:  @WilliamKane1

Webb Simpson Twitter Handle: @WebbSimpson1

Blayne Barber Twitter Handle:  @BlayneBarberAU

Below are a few pictures from our trip.  If you want to see more, you can go to my page and go back to February 10-15, and see pictures from each day.   https://www.facebook.com/patrick.mastrianni

One of many great pictures of Pebble Beach

Our dinner our first night

Dinner after a long day of being on the golf course

    

Thursday in Big Sur

View of the Ocean along Hwy 1

Eating at Nepenthe

2014, With and Without Cont...

Hello everybody, I probably ended my last post pretty quickly.  Due to time restraints getting ready for my trip to Pebble Beach, CA with my family to spread my dad's ashes, I thought it might be best to end the post when I did.  Before I go on, my post after this will be about my trip to Pebble Beach.  Our trip was amazing.  It was very emotional for my mom, sister and myself and we were really glad that we were able to take the trip and spend such great time with each other.

Interesting enough where I left off in my last post, it leads to my next point when it comes to 2014.  2014 was also a full year in being able to work on my blog.  I started it at the end of October 2013.  Some things that I take away from it are that I know it is no where close to what I would like it to be.  That means several things.  First thing is, that I need to commit to making it more interactive and visible to those of you that are reading it.  Which, again I cannot thank you enough if you are reading it.  First, it is such an honor to write about my dad and my family and secondly to have you read it.  Second thing is, that I need to make my blog more of a priority.  Because I truly believe that God has really given me a great opportunity to do this blog, and that it can really help people.

It's interesting because I was speaking with a friend of mine recently about this.  I told them, that I felt like I had really been gaining momentum with my blog.  I was able to write a good bit in 2014, but I also know I can do more with it.  The reason I say this is because there are several blogs that I follow.  One of those being Jon Acuff's who I have mentioned before.  With him being a public speaker and having had the opportunity to go to the START Conference he hosted, sometimes I get discouraged.  He is constantly posting on Twitter with the link to his blog and also his most recent book just came out, Do Over.

I have to remember that God has me in a different place in my life.  He has given me a different story and has me reaching a different audience.  I am not saying that Jon has not been through pain or tough times, but the people that I hope read this are the people that are experiencing pain.  Pain that hurts so bad, that only God can bring healing to.  And while that doesn't mean I need to slack off, and not write as much, I remember why I am doing it, which keeps me going.  Along with that real life happens.  Sometimes I get discouraged by that too.  I am not able to work on it for a variety of reasons. And again I have to remember it doesn't have to look a certain way.  Sometimes I fool myself into thinking that real life doesn't happen for other people and everything is going perfectly, when they are dealing with everyday, real life issues like I am.

Getting back to where I ended in the other post, I ended talking about the many weddings that I went to in 2014.  Funny enough, 2015 seems to be the year of a lot happening in my family.  Back during Mother's Day Weekend 2014, my older stepbrother and future sister-in-law got engaged.  I mentioned them in my previous post, and they are getting married March 28th, which is coming up very soon.  Even more recently, only a few weeks ago, my other stepbrother Wesley Hester and his fiance Jessica Cohen got engaged, and they will be getting married August 29th of this year.  My sister, Alyssa Mastrianni who I have mentioned in my blog before is working and living in New York City.  She moved up the day after we got back from Pebble Beach.  Whew...really that is all happening this year?

With all this happening in my family comes a lot of time either talking with my family or being with them in person.  I don't write this as a bad thing, but just stating it because of all that is happening.  It's easy to get overwhelmed, but I remind myself and many times pray for peace, and that God would bring peace to our family, because it is easy to worry with all that is going on.  It's also easy for me to discouraged.  With all the excitement going on for our family, I realize that I am not dating anybody.  With this sometimes I can feel like I need to find somebody.  God reminds me that he can work through me as a single person.

I also remind myself that marriage is not something to rush into.  Not that I need to wait for a long time, but be okay with being single.  And if you are anything like me, sometimes I get into the thought that there is not anyone out there for me.  That no one would be willing to share what I have experienced over 15 years with my dad.  I think that is somewhat of a selfish thought.  I do understand that some people may not get married.  As someone who would like to get married, I am learning more that I can't shut myself off to loving somebody.  For the rest of my life, my excuse can't be what my family went through with my dad.  Because again many other people have been through the same or worse.

Overall, I have to remember that right now is an exciting time for my family.  It's easy to be selfish and be mad at God and think that nothing exciting is happening in my life.  Just like with my blog, I have to remind myself God has me in a different stage of life.  And again, not just being lazy, but being okay with things happening, even if I think it is happening slowly.  

Thanks for Reading and God Bless,

Patrick Mastrianni

Links to blogs

Alyssa Mastrianni:   http://darcy-dearest.blogspot.com/

Jon Acuff: http://acuff.me/.  Also, here is the link to his new book.  http://acuff.me/do-over/

 

2014, With and Without

Hello Family and friends, amazing to think we are already in February 2015.  After my post about my Christmas and New Years, I realized I needed to do a recap of the year 2014.  Actually after seeing my fellow blogging friend Teryn O'brien write on her blog about what 2014 meant to her, is when I wanted to do one for myself. 

2014 was an interesting year.  It was the first year in my young 25 year old life, (I turn 26 March 16th!) that my dad was not in my life.  Just a reminder, if you are new to my blog, my dad passed away April 28th, 2013.  It's been hard to say the least.  Over time, day after day, I realize how much I miss him and how he was such a huge part of my families life.  Sometimes, I even think to myself, how am I supposed to go on with my life without my dad being there.  Even though, I have my mom, step-dad, grandmother, sister and so many other important people in my life (thank you to everyone who has and is an important part of my life) helping and giving me advice, I just want to be able to ask my dad. 

Ever since my dad passed and especially this year, since it was a full year since he has been gone, my family has not experienced going to the hospital to see my dad.  This may sound like an odd statement, but being without that in my life has been different.  For fifteen years, with my dad having cancer three different times and then especially the last few years of his life, stemming from the bone marrow transplant, going to the hospital, became part of the routine.  Now, I am not saying it was fun by any means, but it was such a big part of my life. 

It's interesting now, because I have the opportunity to share with people my families story and be there for those that have been through a similar situation.  I have the opportunity to share with people what my life is like without my dad being in it, and in turn reminding them to cherish the time they have with their loved ones and not take it for granted. 

Even with my dad not being here anymore, God has blessed me with so much especially with my family.  Before I get to my family, there are a few other things that 2014 showed me.  I attended 5 weddings in 2014 (that's right 5), and it was great to be able to go to them and see my friends share their lives with each other.  Early in 2014, I did date someone for a few months, but realized that I was not ready to be in a relationship, which is okay, because I still have healing to do and some more maturing to do.

I will write about my family in my next blog post, and stop here for right now.  Just a brief update, is that February 10th-15th, my mom, sister and I will be going out to Pebble Beach, California.  If my dad did not get to play Pebble Beach, then he wanted his ashes spread there.  Please be thinking of my family and praying for us, because it will be a great trip with my family, but also emotional with what we are doing.
Also, please be praying for Teryn O'brien, who is mentioned earlier in this post.  She has been battling Lymes Disease for quite some time and really needs prayer.  She has been a great help to me as I continue on this blogging journey. 


Teryn O'Brien's blog:   http://www.terynobrien.com/



Thanks for reading and God Bless,

Patrick Mastrianni

Christmas and New Year's

Hey everybody, hope you all had a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!  Don't know if you have seen my pictures from Christmas a few weeks ago, but I had a great time with my family.  My sister, Alyssa came down with her dog Dottie, and it was just great to see her.  A few days later my cousins, uncles/aunts and grandmother all met in Hilton Head, SC to be with each other to celebrate Christmas and ring in the New Year.  Overall it was such a great time.  The second night we were in Hilton Head several of us played a game called Heads Up!  It was such a good time with everybody laughing and being able to be with family was even better.  I also saw Unbroken on Christmas Day, which I thought was a great movie and will do a later post about, then while we were all in Hilton Head, we saw The Hobbit: Battle of the Five Armies, which was another great movie.  Overall I am a fan of the Lord of the Rings and now The Hobbit movies.  At the end of the day, it was nice to be with my family and to be able to relax and rest.

Christmas last year, I didn't post, because I was just getting going with this blog.  It was also the first Christmas since my dad had passed, which was very different and difficult at the same time.  Before I continue, I would like to say that for those that don't know, back in July 2010, my Grandfather a.k.a PopPop suddenly passed away from a stroke.  As some of you may know, during that summer I was still in school at Kennesaw State University and was in Miami for the summer on a mission trip with CRU.  It was a little different at that time because even though it was very sad and sudden, I was with a lot of other people, who besides my family back home were there to support and be there for me.  He was a huge influence in my life and I think about him everyday, cherishing the memories that I have of/with him.  Even though I may not mention him as much within this blog, he was very important to me and I still remember lessons that he taught me.

I remember reading a blog by Teryn O'Brien a few months regarding the holidays and having to deal with the death of someone you are very close to.  Even though I have not met Teryn, I am inspired by her blog.  I agree with her, just like her, for me Christmas has been tough the past two years solely because of my dad not being here.  Christmas has always been a very special time for our family.  My dad was notorious for taking videos of us growing up and opening our presents and sitting down to eat together.  And I think the last one we had with him was even more special because of what it took for him to get to that point.  Also, it was his 60th birthday, which happened to be 12/12/12.  He also came to my sister and I's college graduation, which I don't know if there was a more proud person that day, than my dad. 

They, (whoever they is) say that time heals.  While that is true, it still is tough, and will be for a long time.  When there are people, especially your immediate family members, like my father and grandfather, it's hard to get used to.  You expect them to be there with you on those special days, and they are not there.  And for me, I feel like I am the only one that feels that way.  I think, I know this is supposed to be a happy day, but it just feels so different without them there and to be honest it doesn't feel whole.  I also remember that I am not the only one who feels that and if you do feel that way, again you are not alone and God understands.  Don't think that because you feel this way, that you are weird or something is wrong with you.  It's understandable, because you are human and we are supposed to have real emotions.  We should and are supposed to miss those closest to us who are no longer with us here.

As I write this, I also don't want people to get the wrong impression and think everything is just all sad in my life and that's the way it should be for other people.  I also want to point out and remind people that there is hope and joy. First in Jesus Christ, for what he did for us on the Cross.  For me, this is my greatest hope and joy thankfully.  God also reminds me as I mentioned earlier, and I don't want you to miss out on this if you are reading right now.  Remember the family and friends that you have with you right now.  The love and support that you hopefully have even while you still may be dealing with things.  For me again with this past Christmas, just to have been able to be with my family was such a huge blessing.  I also think about how God through death brings life and other great moments in our lives.  Probably one of the biggest moments is through marriage (no I am not getting married yet). On March 28th, in a couple of months my stepbrother and future sister-in-law will be getting married and sharing their lives together.  What a great moment to be able to share with them, and it just reminds me that God can bring joy even when you feel like you have experienced so much tragedy and heartache in your life.  Even when you may feel like love is hard to find or you think you may never experience it or you think you are just hurting so bad, that you don't know if love even exists anymore.  God is HOPE, JOY, PEACE AND LOVE!!!

Teryn O'brien: http://www.terynobrien.com/: http://www.terynobrien.com/2013/12/19/becoming-aware-of-triggers-in-grief/

Alyssa Mastrianni:  http://darcy-dearest.blogspot.com/

Unbroken Movie Trailer:  http://www.unbrokenfilm.com/

Battle of the Five Armies: http://www.thehobbit.com/


Thanks for Reading and God Bless,

Patrick Mastrianni

 

 

An Inspiring Story

I recently read a story on Jon Acuff's blog.  I went to his START Conference in September 2013.  Since then I keep up with his blog and enjoy what he writes.  This particular post was on his SCL aka "Stuff Christians Like" blog.  It was a women who has been through some tough life experiences.  She wrote to Jon telling her story and how his blog helped here with what she was going through.

At the end of what she wrote to Jon, she thanked him for his blog.  She thanked him for reminding her that as a Christian, it's okay to laugh.  That it's okay to be out there and be yourself.  Her story is tough to read, because it shows just how messy the world can be.  It shows how broken we are.  But it also shows just how amazing and big God is and what he can bring us from and through.  That he walks with us with, even though you may not know it or feel his presence. 

Beth's story reminds me of mine.  There are many times when it is hard to be joyful or happy, because of what happened to my dad.  I think "what was the point of all the pain and suffering that he went through, and that we went through as a family?"  In those times, I remind myself that would want me to be happy and joyful.  That I still have my family here on Earth and how important it is to cherish them.  That in my pain and hurt, God can help me to reach other people who may be hurting.

Beth's story reminds me of how important human interaction is, and how need other people to talk to about what is going on in our lives.  For me that's hard, because it painful and not very fun to talk about.  I feel like I am the only one and have to go through it alone.

That's especially true in being part of a church.  I don't want to tell people that my dad passed away.  I don't want to tell them my dad was sick for a long time.  I don't want to tell them what my family went through.  I don't want people to look at me in a different way or feel sorry for me.  In these times, God reminds me of the people that he has put in my life.  That even with it being hard to talk about, I need to keep talking to them.  I don't need to be afraid of feeling that hurt or pain.    

I also think about how important it is for people to listen, that are in the lives of those hurting.  And now that my dad is gone, this is most important for me to remember.  I read a blog post from Teryn O'brien, another blog that I follow about this very topic.  She says "Fear never helped a person in grief. Don’t shut out someone who is hurting."  Sometimes I get in the thought that someone I know is okay after time has passed after going through a really tough situation.  That may not be the case.  I know that I need to talk to people, and in return be there for other friends/people.

Many times what it comes down to for me, is that I don't want to be inconvenienced.  And that is a very selfish thought.  One that I have to constantly get rid of.  In that thought, God reminds me of the people that have been there to listen to me and give advice, which is great, but I also need to learn to listen better.  That is a very big lesson that God is teaching me, how important it is to listen to other people.

I am thankful to have read Beth's story.  Thankful that she was willing to have her story shared with many other people.  Thankful that she was open and honest, because it reminds me that it's okay to do that.  Thankful to be reminded that even with how dirty, painful and just how downright hard life can, that Jon Acuff reminds me that there needs to be humor in my life.  

Jon Acuff's article: bit.ly/1tiEtCr .

Teryn O'Brien's article:  http://www.churchleaders.com/outreach-missions/outreach-missions-articles/171113-teryn-obrien-ways-to-minister-to-someone-who-is-grieving.html/2

Thanks for Reading and God Bless,

Patrick Mastrianni

Lauren Hill

Thank you again to everyone who has read and followed my blog this past year.  It was great to celebrate and think back over this past year in starting and writing my blog.  As hard as it is to write and talk about, I know that it is an amazing opportunity and really an honor to tell other people about my dad and what he went through.

A few months ago, I wrote a post about Jim Kelly and his battle with cancer.  It was amazing to see this big figure in sports, having to go through this tough battle with cancer.  While he has been going through it, he and his family have stayed strong in their faith in God.

Recently, I watched on T.V. about a college basketball player, Lauren Hill, who may not even make it to the new year, due to brain cancer.  Her story is amazing and the person that she is while going through all this is even more amazing.

She plays at Mount St. Joseph, a small DIII school in Cincinnati, OH.  The NCAA approved moving the date of the game up from it's original date, with the hope that she would be able to play.  They played Hiram College in Hiram, OH.  The night before the game, Hiram's team took Brittany's team out to dinner.  The next day during the game, Brittany scored the first and last goal of the game.  Mount St. Joseph, but nobody really cared this day.  Even the Hiram players after the game, were crying and hugging Brittany and her teammates, and everyone was touched by what was going on.  They were all inspired by and celebrating Lauren.

During the time that my dad was sick, due to the medication that he took, his face would swell.  As he would say, he looked like a "chipmunk."  In watching Brittany's story, I noticed that about her as well.  I don't bring this up to be insensitive, but to bring up an interesting point.  It's interesting how, and I speak for myself here, about how I care about how I look.  Watching Lauren's story and and remembering my dad, it changes my perspective, because while it is important to care about how look, in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter.

Watching Lauren's story reminds me how important it is to have a support system.  There were many times when my dad was sick and even now, that I think I am all alone in this journey.  In those times, God reminds me that I am not alone.  That he has been with me and my family every step of the way and will continue to walk with us.  He also places people in your life during your time of need and even after that, that are the exact people you need in your life.  I know it has been that way for me, even when I didn't think so. 

It was also amazing to me to see people, especially in his last few years and months of living, they would tell me that they were praying for my family and my dad.  It is still very humbling to think about.  I don't know about you, but I many times doubt God will answer my prayers, and here are people that prayed for 15 years.  It reminds me how powerful prayer is, even when you don't think God is answering or doing anything.

It's hard though, because when I look at my dad's situation and Lauren's, I think why do/did they have to go through so much pain.  Did they do something that would cause God to allow them to get cancer.  I remember that it is not based on that, that honestly I don't know why.  My pastor talks about how sometimes we go through things that can't really be explained.  That sometimes only God knows, but we may not find out while we are still living.

If I can be honest, that is hard for me to deal with.  I want to know why my dad had to go through all that he did.  I want God to tell me, but I realize that may not happen.  I have to remember that while I have those questions, there are other people that I can help.  There are people that Brittany and her family can help, even with the questions they have.  Again, that is SO TOUGH, because I realize everyday that I won't see my dad again.  That I won't get to share great memories and milestones with him.  That I won't be able to just hang out with him.

There are also many times that I think, what was the point of all that we went through.  All those years of treatment, all the family and friends that prayed, and he was never able to fully recover, it was all a waste.  Then I think about what God is teaching me right now, and how he didn't waste anything.  I continue to learn from my dad even though he is no longer here.  I know what it means to persevere even though there are times where I don't feel like I can.  What it means to love and sacrifice for my family.  Even though I am single right now, I hope to one day get married and have a family.  Probably only then will I realize how much my dad loved us and how much he sacrificed for his family.

My hope is that wherever you are right now, that you remember how important it is to have support and be around those that you care about.  That you realize how much someone who you know personally, what they went through and how much they and sacrificed for those that they loved.  KEEP GOING!!


Here is the link to Lauren Hill's story:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-T5d2Bpp2p8

Thanks for reading and God Bless,

Patrick Mastrianni

It's Been Quite A Year

For those of you that don't know, a year and a half has gone by since my dad died.  It still seems strange to say that.  I would still love to hang out with him one more time.  I would still love to call him up and talk to him one more time.  I would still like to ask for his advice and thoughts on what is going on in my life and in the world in general.  I still wish he could see me get married.  I still wish he could see my first child. 

A year ago, something else significant happened in my life.  I STARTED THIS BLOG!  At the time, I wasn't sure what it was going to look like.  I knew at the time and leading up to when I started it, that I wanted to do one, and when I realized that it was coming up on 6 months since my dad had died, I thought it would be as good a time as any.  I didn't have any experience in doing a blog before I started 15 Years.  I didn't know what people would say in reading about what has been such a big part of my life.

To be honest, IT'S SCARY!  You are probably saying, why would it be scary?  It's hard to talk about what my dad and family went through because it is very painful.  It's hard to do this blog, because I actually have to be vulnerable in telling you about his story.  It's hard to do this blog, because when I write each post, I actually have to think back over the 15 years we has sick and would like to instead forget it all happened.  It's hard to this blog, because there is that possibility someone might ask me about my dad and my story, and I actually have to tell them about what it was like to go through it all.

Even with being scared doing this blog and continuing on with my life without my dad, God is constantly reminding of things as I do this blog.  The biggest, that I am not alone.  Even though it may not feel like it and the healing from all that we went through as a family seems super slow, I know that God is walking beside me.  I know that it will take time to heal, but it will come.  He also reminds me that I am not the only one who has been through what I have been through.  I am constantly reminded and think a lot about how this blog is not about me, even though I want it to be.  That there are people right now who may be reading this blog or may read it in the future, that are going through straight fire right now.  That don't know what is going to happen next.  That don't know if any good will come out of the situation they are in.  If that is you, God wants to help you get through your situation.  It's not going to be easy though.  It's going to be messy, sometimes even downright nasty.  There will be times, where you may want to throw in the towel, where you feel like giving up, where you ask, IS THIS WORTH GOING THROUGH?

I am here to tell you firsthand, that it is worth going through.  And I know it is tough see a loved one go through pain unimaginable or even yourself if you are experiencing the same thing.  But I also know that God has taught me a lot and can teach you a lot through this experience.  What he taught me through my dad, is to never give up, to keep going even when you don't want to and God in those times will give you the strength.  To keep living for those you love, because at the end of the day, they are the only people that really matter in your life.  I saw that in my dad, that in his last few years, he cared about my mom, myself and my sister.  He was willing to go through pain, to continue to be there for our special moments and I believe that God honored him in different ways in being able to do that, especially with our college graduation.

Although, I may never meet you, keep fighting.  Continue to persevere, even when you don't feel like you can or when everything seems foggy.  Pray and ask God to fight for you, and he will.  He will fight the battles that you are not able to.  He is very present, and is there even when you don't feel like he is.  He is fighting and there for you, even when what you are going through seems like it is taking every single amount of weight it has and throwing it down on you.

It has been such an amazing opportunity to this blog.  I do pray that you would find this blog and take it to heart.  I do pray that it would help you in your time of need.  And know that you are not alone.


Thanks for reading and God Bless,

Patrick Mastrianni

My dad and I at Emory Hospital at the end of April 2009 right before his Bone Marrow Transplant

How are you Defined?

Hey everybody.  Currently, I go to Community Bible Church in Savannah, GA.  It is a great church and I really enjoy going there.  Right now we are going through the Book of Acts.  On Sunday, September 14, 2014, was a pretty special day, because we had baptisms and there was just a lot of celebration along with it.  Also that day, the sermon was great.  We went through Acts 3, and our pastor started off talking about a defining moment in our lives.

After the first few minutes, I immediately thought about my dad having cancer.  And the thing is, it is not just a single moment that happened during a day.  It is not a several day period or a few months, it is 15 years that he was sick.  And now that he has passed, that is somewhat defining as well.  15 years of unknown, 15 years of ups and downs, 15 years of watching a man suffer more pain than I can possibly imagine to.  15 years of watching your family having to struggle through, 15 years of wishing/waiting for my dad to get better.

Everyday I wake up, I remember that my dad is gone.  Everyday I want to call and talk to my dad, but I remember that I can't.  Everyday I think, I can't wait to call my dad and tell him that I am going to get married.  Everyday I think it will be cool to share my wedding day with my dad, but here won't be there with me physically to share it.  Everyday, I think it will be great to share the day I have my first child with my dad, but again he won't be here physically.  I know this all sounds sad, but these are all things that I think about.  When you lose someone close to you, you realize the important moments that you won't be able to share with them but also just to be able to talk to them is what you miss too.

A lot of times, I feel defined by my dad having cancer, because that is how I feel people know me or my family.  When you run into people you know, they tell me they are sorry about my dad and that we had to go through all those years of him being sick, and you thank them, but deep down, I wish they knew me and my family in a different way.  Even when I meet people for the first time, and tell them about my family and about my dad.  I wish many times that people did not look at me in that light, that people did not define me by my circumstance.  

Many times, I feel like God defines me this way too.  Many times I want to ask why did it have to go on for so long? What was the purpose? What I am supposed to be learning from this?  If you have or are going through something similar, remember God does not define you by your circumstance/s.  He knows that it hurts.  He knows that it seems like what you are going through is taking forever.  He knows that there may be times where you want to cry or yell, or are just angry.  He doesn't like it any more than you do, and if you let him, he will help you get through your circumstance.  Trust me, I have a very hard time with this, but he has helped me through a lot of stuff since my dad died.

http://www.cbcsavannah.com/#!current-series/c1hb6. Click on Acts 3 Sermon

Thanks for reading and God Bless,

Patrick Mastrianni

Hold up your light

Last year, September 13-14, 2013, I went to the START Conference hosted by Jon Acuff.  It was in Brentwood, TN right outside Nashville.  It was an awesome time, with great people that Jon brought in. If you don't know who Jon, he is a motivational speaker based in Nashville.  He has written four books, including his most recent, Start: Punch Fear in the Face, Escape Average & Do Work that Matters. He speaks to groups of people in various settings about chasing after their dreams and doing what they love to do, whether it be in their job or a hobby.  He he has two blogs, one which is SCL aka Stuff Christians Like, which is hilarious to read, and I will post it at the end on here.  His other is on his website Acuff.me, which does have some humor intertwined, but most of it is challenging and encouraging people to do what God has given them the ability to do and a passion for.

Prior to what Jon does now, he had various jobs and talks a lot about fear, and how he had to punch it in the face and begin the journey of what he loves doing now.  Friday night, the first night, there was one part, where we were handed finger lights (which I still have in my car) and the lights were turned out where we were.  Jon asked several different questions related to fear, that were also put up on the big screen for everyone to see.  There was between 500-600 people at this conference.  Every question that was asked related to chasing a dream or doing something you loved, and how fear played a role in that, the entire room raised their hand.  It was amazing to see that number of people raise their hand each time a question about fear was asked.  It also reminded me, that I was not alone, and together we could help each other overcome and keep going.

Now, you are probably wondering, what does any of this have to do with what your blog is actually about, and I will get to that now?  For my own personal story, when it comes to fear, there are different ways that it comes into play.  I think whenever you are doing something you love or working towards a goal, you have to have support from other people.  For me with my dad being gone, part of that is gone. I will always remember the love and support he gave me, while I was growing up, and I will cherish and carry that with me for the rest of my life.  With him being gone though, I can't pick up the phone to call and talk to him or go drive to see him and physically be around him.  Even though, I still have most of my immediate family, I think when you lose someone that is such a closed loved, you still want their advice and just to talk to them.  And I know that people say that time heals and I do believe that God is healing me each day, even though it feels very slow, but it is still tough every day.

If you are reading this, and it is a rough time right now for you, you might be saying, Patrick you don't even know me or my circumstance.  You are right, I don't, but what I do know is that I have been through some tough stuff.  And every time, I just want to lie down and wake up and everything go back to normal, and my dad be around, I just try to keep going.  Every time, that I just want to give up, I think about what my dad went through, and I know that I will be okay.  That's the other thing, if someone you love is or has gone through a lot, let that encourage you or keep you going.  Probably the most important thing though is when you feel crushed or you are trying to be courageous through a tough time, sometimes you just need to let God fight for you.  We think a lot that we have to be Superman, and we have to be strong, which I struggle with that everyday, but let other people in and have them help as you go through this period of time.

Here are the links to Jon Acuff's blogs:

http://acuff.me/

http://stuffchristianslike.net/

Thanks for reading and God Bless,

Patrick Mastrianni

Great Reminder

Two weeks ago on Tuesday, August 19, 2014, I gave my Icebreaker speech, at the Toastmasters club I am in.  Man, it was great!!  The week leading up, I was preparing each night.  Tuesday night finally came, and I gave it and thankfully got a good response.  At the end of the meeting, one of the other members evaluated my speech.  They told me the areas that I could improve in.  They also told me what I did well, and it was nice to have a confidence booster going into my next speech.  Being your own worst critic, immediately after the speech, you think of things you should have said or what you could have done differently.

Another member did their first speech, and she and I talked afterward for a while.  I talked to her more about my dad and what he went through.  I told her that it is still hard with him being gone.  That it is hard to talk about what he and my family went through, because there is pain that will never go away. But that it really is an honor to talk about what he went through, and talking about it will be helpful along the way.  She then started to talk about her childhood, and how her brother got polio when he was 18 months old, and she was six years old at the time. After going to a Children's Hospital near where they lived, and different treatments, she said they pulled him through.  At the time, even with coming through it, he had to relearn how to do basic everyday functions.  After going through all this, shortly afterward they found out he had acute lymphatic cancer, and died soon after at the age of 4.  At the time she was 10, saying that she was like a mother to her other siblings, and now years later, she still thinks about him all the time.  She says that as time has passed, she has been able to process everything, but she misses her brother everyday.

While talking to her and once I left the meeting for the night, God reminded me that I am not alone. That there are other people that have been through tough life situations.  I know this sounds selfish, but I find myself in this mindset many times.  I get upset with God that my dad is no longer here and that he had to go through all that he did.  Thankfully, he understands and helps me get through it, when I do struggle with it.  Through this, he also reminds me and shows that there are other people that need someone to talk to.  If you are reading this, and you are having a hard going through your circumstance, that's okay. Don't think that you have to go through it alone.  God wants to help you get through it, and put people in your life that will help you get through it.






I want to thank my friend for sharing her story with me and letting me share it with you.


Thanks for reading and God Bless,

Patrick Mastrianni

Icebreaker

This has been an interesting week.  For the last several months, I have been a part of Toastmasters, which is an international speaking club.  This upcoming week, I will be giving my first speech, officially known as my Icebreaker speech.  I will be telling my club about myself, which will be a pretty cool opportunity.  This week, I have been practicing, which has been pretty funny, because I have had to start over a bunch of times, and sometimes you have to laugh at yourself, because of how funny it can be.  Over time, I have become more comfortable with speaking in front of people.  Nowadays though, it is a little different and there is more purpose with what I talk about, since my dad died.  Not that every time I talk to people, I tell them about my dad, but when I do tell people my story, it's remembering that it is part of my story, and there is nothing to be ashamed about it.


It is still hard to talk about my dad and what he went through and what we went through as a family.  I was talking to a friend of mine, Steven Roberson the other day, about how hard it is.  I don't want to use the word, vulnerability, which seems to be a cliche word within the Christian church, but it is hard to be open about it sometimes.  There is a lot of pain that we went through an
d still go through, and that only God himself can help me get through, as I continue with my life.  Especially with this as there are other people reading, but that is why I decided to do it.  When I think about it, it is really an honor to share with people about a man, who fought for 15 years like he did.  It is an honor to talk to people about my family, people like my mom and my sister, who had to see their husband and father go through terrible pain, but displayed amazing courage through it all.  My grandmother, who throughout the time she has been retired, instead of not doing anything, she has been there throughout the time my dad was sick, and with that, 4 years ago, lost her best friend, my grandfather (PopPop), after being married over 50 years.  Overall, it is amazing to think about the family that I do have, and to see how they have gone through everything they have.

If you are reading, and again thank you for reading, and you are going through something tough currently or have gone through something, you are not alone.  Just like with my icebreaker speech and as time goes on, you need to share your story.  You need to tell others, because they can learn from you, and through your story, God can bring healing into someone else's life and even your own.  Also, remember that it may not be thousands of people's lives that you touch, but it may just be one person that hears or reads your story.  

Steven Roberson is a great friend, who is an artist, that seeks to share his gift with other people. You can find him at http://stevenroberson.com/.

Thanks for reading and God Bless,

Patrick Mastrianni