It's Been Quite A Year

For those of you that don't know, a year and a half has gone by since my dad died.  It still seems strange to say that.  I would still love to hang out with him one more time.  I would still love to call him up and talk to him one more time.  I would still like to ask for his advice and thoughts on what is going on in my life and in the world in general.  I still wish he could see me get married.  I still wish he could see my first child. 

A year ago, something else significant happened in my life.  I STARTED THIS BLOG!  At the time, I wasn't sure what it was going to look like.  I knew at the time and leading up to when I started it, that I wanted to do one, and when I realized that it was coming up on 6 months since my dad had died, I thought it would be as good a time as any.  I didn't have any experience in doing a blog before I started 15 Years.  I didn't know what people would say in reading about what has been such a big part of my life.

To be honest, IT'S SCARY!  You are probably saying, why would it be scary?  It's hard to talk about what my dad and family went through because it is very painful.  It's hard to do this blog, because I actually have to be vulnerable in telling you about his story.  It's hard to do this blog, because when I write each post, I actually have to think back over the 15 years we has sick and would like to instead forget it all happened.  It's hard to this blog, because there is that possibility someone might ask me about my dad and my story, and I actually have to tell them about what it was like to go through it all.

Even with being scared doing this blog and continuing on with my life without my dad, God is constantly reminding of things as I do this blog.  The biggest, that I am not alone.  Even though it may not feel like it and the healing from all that we went through as a family seems super slow, I know that God is walking beside me.  I know that it will take time to heal, but it will come.  He also reminds me that I am not the only one who has been through what I have been through.  I am constantly reminded and think a lot about how this blog is not about me, even though I want it to be.  That there are people right now who may be reading this blog or may read it in the future, that are going through straight fire right now.  That don't know what is going to happen next.  That don't know if any good will come out of the situation they are in.  If that is you, God wants to help you get through your situation.  It's not going to be easy though.  It's going to be messy, sometimes even downright nasty.  There will be times, where you may want to throw in the towel, where you feel like giving up, where you ask, IS THIS WORTH GOING THROUGH?

I am here to tell you firsthand, that it is worth going through.  And I know it is tough see a loved one go through pain unimaginable or even yourself if you are experiencing the same thing.  But I also know that God has taught me a lot and can teach you a lot through this experience.  What he taught me through my dad, is to never give up, to keep going even when you don't want to and God in those times will give you the strength.  To keep living for those you love, because at the end of the day, they are the only people that really matter in your life.  I saw that in my dad, that in his last few years, he cared about my mom, myself and my sister.  He was willing to go through pain, to continue to be there for our special moments and I believe that God honored him in different ways in being able to do that, especially with our college graduation.

Although, I may never meet you, keep fighting.  Continue to persevere, even when you don't feel like you can or when everything seems foggy.  Pray and ask God to fight for you, and he will.  He will fight the battles that you are not able to.  He is very present, and is there even when you don't feel like he is.  He is fighting and there for you, even when what you are going through seems like it is taking every single amount of weight it has and throwing it down on you.

It has been such an amazing opportunity to this blog.  I do pray that you would find this blog and take it to heart.  I do pray that it would help you in your time of need.  And know that you are not alone.


Thanks for reading and God Bless,

Patrick Mastrianni

My dad and I at Emory Hospital at the end of April 2009 right before his Bone Marrow Transplant

How are you Defined?

Hey everybody.  Currently, I go to Community Bible Church in Savannah, GA.  It is a great church and I really enjoy going there.  Right now we are going through the Book of Acts.  On Sunday, September 14, 2014, was a pretty special day, because we had baptisms and there was just a lot of celebration along with it.  Also that day, the sermon was great.  We went through Acts 3, and our pastor started off talking about a defining moment in our lives.

After the first few minutes, I immediately thought about my dad having cancer.  And the thing is, it is not just a single moment that happened during a day.  It is not a several day period or a few months, it is 15 years that he was sick.  And now that he has passed, that is somewhat defining as well.  15 years of unknown, 15 years of ups and downs, 15 years of watching a man suffer more pain than I can possibly imagine to.  15 years of watching your family having to struggle through, 15 years of wishing/waiting for my dad to get better.

Everyday I wake up, I remember that my dad is gone.  Everyday I want to call and talk to my dad, but I remember that I can't.  Everyday I think, I can't wait to call my dad and tell him that I am going to get married.  Everyday I think it will be cool to share my wedding day with my dad, but here won't be there with me physically to share it.  Everyday, I think it will be great to share the day I have my first child with my dad, but again he won't be here physically.  I know this all sounds sad, but these are all things that I think about.  When you lose someone close to you, you realize the important moments that you won't be able to share with them but also just to be able to talk to them is what you miss too.

A lot of times, I feel defined by my dad having cancer, because that is how I feel people know me or my family.  When you run into people you know, they tell me they are sorry about my dad and that we had to go through all those years of him being sick, and you thank them, but deep down, I wish they knew me and my family in a different way.  Even when I meet people for the first time, and tell them about my family and about my dad.  I wish many times that people did not look at me in that light, that people did not define me by my circumstance.  

Many times, I feel like God defines me this way too.  Many times I want to ask why did it have to go on for so long? What was the purpose? What I am supposed to be learning from this?  If you have or are going through something similar, remember God does not define you by your circumstance/s.  He knows that it hurts.  He knows that it seems like what you are going through is taking forever.  He knows that there may be times where you want to cry or yell, or are just angry.  He doesn't like it any more than you do, and if you let him, he will help you get through your circumstance.  Trust me, I have a very hard time with this, but he has helped me through a lot of stuff since my dad died.

http://www.cbcsavannah.com/#!current-series/c1hb6. Click on Acts 3 Sermon

Thanks for reading and God Bless,

Patrick Mastrianni